Wednesday, September 22, 2010

My wonky, irrational fears, in list-form for your enjoyment (and my embarrassment).

This won't be nearly as long as my usual offering**1 , as I can make it fairly succinct and list-like. And by list-like, I mean... yeah, just a list. Yet another list for y'all to feast your wandering eyes on.

I am one of the most cowardly individuals you're likely to encounter. And I can admit to that, which I therefore like to think affords me the right to be so shamelessly lame. Some things I'm afraid of are perfectly understandable (albeit a bit paranoid), like getting raped walking home from work, getting in car accidents, getting robbed at gunpoint while working.**2

*1: I'm only 3 items in to the list, and have found that statement is already a filthy lie.
**2 Seriously, all of these things are legitimately awful and harrowing experiences, and also not even a bit far-fetched. The odds? Okay, other than the car accident (1 in 50,000 chance, fuckers. The chances of winning the lottery -specifically 649- are 1 in 13, 983, 816 - that is not a number pulled out of my ass, click the numbers, et voila, Wikipedia doesnt lie) maybe they aren't so probable, but I like to think that doesn't mean I shouldn't still be worried.

Other fears I have are a little... odd, I guess. Would be the most basic, politically-correct term. My phobias have been a great source of torment and angst to myself - and an even better source of entertainment for my friends over the years. Here are just a few.


[1] Sand: No, you're not reading that wrong. That isn't a typo that should say "Satan" (I'm not religious) or "Santa" (that is a real phobia, I just learned). I mean the teeny, tiny, rough granules you see on a beach, that you can make castles out of, or heat super-high to make glass. I am not afraid of it in the sense that I see it and I panic; it's more I can't stand the FEEL of it. It's just find and dandy when you're on the beach, but once you're back in the car and it's all over your feet... in the shower and it's in your hair.... and, the very worst - about to bite in to some food you had at the beach with you and BAM! Grainy, disgusting, unexpected texture (I'm gagging thinking about it), I just can't effing deal. It sends a chill down my spine. So I'm more disgusted by it than scared, but I still count it among my fears.

[2] Butterflies: There are millions of people, just like me, who can't stand insects or bugs. Name me one person (other than a scientist who studies them) that likes cockroaches. Show me someone who doesn't at least cringe a bit at the thought of June bugs (or run screaming, like I do). It's understandable; they're small and they can crawl in to ... places. Is it rational? No, not really; we're far, far bigger than they are. But it's a fact of life. Now, there are some bugs people like: lady bugs, fireflies, butterflies... No, I hate them all equally. But butterflies actually frighten me. I do not like things that fly. Simple as that. Birds make me nervous (especially seagulls... I've seen some that are easily 3 times the size of my fucking cat!). Junebugs can get in your hair. Mosquitoes carry disease.... and butterflies land on you. *shudder* They're so fast, and they flit here and there, and they're unpredictable... and I don't care how damn pretty you all think they are. I find them very, very unnerving.

[3] Losing my toes: This is my classic fear that started at a very young age, and provides great amusement to my friends. Is it irrational? Yes. Is it easily the worst fear of mine, hands down? Also yes. This particular issue has left me with OCD-like tendencies when it comes to counting my fingers and toes. I think it all started when I was a kid; the fam had a 2-door car, and we were all down at the walking track/playground at the bottom of my (former) street. It takes the length of one song on my iPod to get from my parents' house to that walking track, so why we took the car, I'll never know. I was probably 7 or 8 years old, and my sister would've been 4 or 5. We were leaving, piling in the car, I slammed the door... and my sister's entire fucking hand was caught in the door. AND IT WAS SHUT. THE WHOLE CAR DOOR LATCHED.

I'll give you a second to let that sink in.

Well, she screamed and screamed. Luckily, it got her down by the knuckles, so she didn't lose any fingers. Nothing was broken, just sprained and bruised and an overall mess. So, that led me to being completely paranoid every time I closed the door to a vehicle - to this day. It has gotten a little better over time, but not much. My toes are worse than my fingers, however. I have to wiggle them every now and then to make sure they're still there. Don't even get me started about jumping from any height in to water. I jumped off of Albert Bridge (it's like 20-30 feet above the water, to my readers recruited from YouTube and LJ), hit the water in a manner that left me with bruised thighs and sore bones, but the first words out of my mouth when I surfaced? "ARE ALL MY TOES STILL THERE?" I swear, I have 3 witnesses who will attest to it.

[4] All my appliances are out to get me: Luckily, this one has subsided a LOT in the past 4-5 years. Basically, my brain thinks that every time I plugs anything in to an electrical outlet, I am going to be electrocuted. Especially appliances in the bathroom and kitchen, near water. Blame it on too many movies, too many books, too many horror stories. Up until very recently, I would check every plug before it went anywhere near the socket - feel it with my fingers for moisture, and then actually physically dry it off, just to be sure. It was completely compulsive.

Fun fact: Though neither of us had ever discussed it, one day I found out - my mom does it too! So we're both crazy, apparently.

[5] Twi-tards and people with Bieber fever: Actually, this can be filed under so many categories: things I hate, things I laugh at, things I pity, things I just don't fucking understand... and yes, things that scare me. First of all, die-hard fans of anything are frightening, but some are more benign than others. For instance, I'd rather hang out with 500 people in cloaks and wands than just one Juggalo (if you were unfamiliar with Juggalos, and clicked that link, I'm so sorry I just ruined your life a little).***3

***3 I read ED. I'm sorry; I do. I love it. I like to assume most of you don't, or won't, or are unaware of its existence. Which is why I linked you to the Wiki page of Juggalos... for a much more entertaining and honest article: the Encyclopedia Dramatica Link. (Nothing on that site is for the faint of heart, btw.)

That being said, I don't pretend to be educated about Star Wars or Star Trek, but I'd rather be at a convention for either, and publicly declare my ignorance, than go to the opening night of a Twilight movie. And I'm educated about the series. See, I don't believe in ripping something to shreds when you know nothing about it, because it makes you look like an ignorant asshole (and where I live, there's plenty). I know a lot about Twilight - and it's all horrific. I've gone in to it before, abusive relationship low self esteem reckless behavior gaping plot holes blah blah blah... but Twilight fans don't care how stupid it all is, and they will get violent if you try to make them see the light of reason. Bieber fans? Same deal. It's one thing to like someone's music, and another thing entirely to threaten to kill Kim Kardashian because of him. (Links to Perez!) Any fanbase that will threaten violence because of either
a) Something FICTIONAL. or,

is horrifically terrifying, and scares me. A lot.


  1. I have also had the car door slammed on my fingers to have the car door latch shut. Had to yell to my friend who was now walking several yards away to come and UNLOCK and open the car.. yes it locked.
    I admit.. I also slammed my sisters hand in the van door one time but it bounced off...

  2. I've never had it happen to me but I would absolutely lose my shit... You're a brave soul LOL. And I now have a hideous image a van door bouncing off someone's fingers... Eeee my toes are wiggling like crazy now ahahaha.

  3. My big sister did the same thing to me with the car door when I was four and she was nineteen. She was holding me and shut the door of my dad's stupid red car. I screamed for what seemed like forever and someone else had to come open the door because we both just panicked:/
    She cried just as hard as I did for about an hour. It's one of my first clear memories:(


* Anything intentionally antagonistic or misspelled to the point it would cause an educated person pain to look at will be deleted.