Surviving the Nicaraguan Glee Club, Vol. 1

The reason I had initially decided to combine both these shows into one post each week was because I thought, damn, I really don't have all that much to say about them. 10 minutes in to Tuesday's episode of Glee, I realized I was wrong. And two episodes of Survivor, and, well, I think I might be in over my head. Since not everyone watches both, I'll separate the two. Part 1 of this entry shall be Glee, and part 2 will cover the first two episodes of Survivor. I won't intermingle. Now, 1-2-3-GO! After the jump for some epic lengthyness.

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The season 2 premiere of Glee

My favorite show came screaming (singing?) back in to my life, and yours, this past Tuesday. The first few minutes were your usual "Here's what you missed!" re-capping the season 1 finale, followed by the glee-clubbers being interviewed by Jacob (the "jew-fro" nerd), which helped everyone catch up on the summer's events. Okay, so,

• Rachel and Finn were together all summer. BFD.  I find Rachel irritating, and I don't think she and Finn are good for each other, and although if Finn were a real person I firmly believe he'd be a great guy, I still don't find he or Rachel overly interesting therefore - I don't care.
• TINA AND MIKE ARE TOGETHER!??! WTF!?!? My heart broke in to a million pieces for Artie! I get it, sure... Does Asian camp exist? Or only in Glee's twisted little fantasy world? Still, I had an actual, "SHUT UP!" (the same way they say it in Mean Girls, LOL) moment when I found that out. Poor, poor Artie.
• Santana had a boob job... are you effing serious? But that's fine and dandy, I guess?
• Quinn's back to her bitchy, manipulative (seriously, that girl is good) self, and I'm totally down.
• Apparently Brittany got lost in the sewers all summer...? Sure. However, first Brittany quote of the season <3. Love that dumb bitch.
• No major drama from Kurt or Mercedes. Too bad, as Kurt is my favorite after Britt.
• Ken Tanaka is not on the show anymore (I don't think he was after the part 1 break anyway?) because of a "nervous breakdown" and has been replaced by a hideous man-woman named coach Bieste (and she explains how to spell it, and that, "It's French"). lol. The boyfriend recognized her instantly, as she was the woman who ran the factory at the beginning of The Boondock Saints, so he was pleased.
• Artie got dumped, er, Puck..? I can't remember what, if anything, happened to Puck.

All right. So, no one's signing up for the glee club, quelle suprise. They're a member short, since "Matt" (I didn't even know who that was, I figured out that it was the black guy) "transferred from McKinley". So they try to recruit folks. They performed Empire State of Mind, and the version they did was way better than the original, in my opinion. You see some blonde guy and a cute li'l Asian singing along. Finn finds the blonde kid, Sam, singing "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" in the shower. And... my god I don't wanna explain plot. So I'm done with that.

Rachel hunts down the li'l Asian, Sunshine (who's played by Charice, that little Fillopina chick Oprah found) and they get in a battle in the bathroom (ish?) singing "Telephone" and it was fairly awesome.

*BEST MOMENT OF THE SHOW* Sue: *wanders in to bathroom where Sunshine and Rachel are singing* ... SHUT UP! 

I laughed, so hard.  Also, Rachel, "And she's shorter than me, which I find unnerving." Also some serious LOLing there. Sam the new kid sings "Billionaire", with Artie doing the rapping, which I LOVED - "You can call me Artie Claus, minus the ho-ho". 

Will and Sue are stressing because their budgets are being cut because of Coach Bieste needing to up the football budget (and there's a lot of jokes about how wrong it is to be a female football coach), so they team up and basically start picking on her like some junior high kids - ordering 25 pizzas? Finn gets kicked off the football team cause coach Bieste is upset and takes it out on him (broke my heart! Poor Finn.) and auditions for the Cheerios... epic stuff. LOL.  Finn losing his status as quarterback lead to Sam getting the position, and not trying out for glee, because he's worried about his social status. Lamelame, but I'm sure it'll work itself out in the end. Quinn convinces Sue to make her Head Cheerio again, and Santana loses her shit (she couldn't take the position 'cause of the titjob), they get in a fight, and Brittany became my hero yet again with a completely monotone, "Stop the violence."

Cute li'l Asian gets stolen by Vocal Adrenaline, and never actually auditioned for glee, because Rachel sent her directions to a fucking crackhouse instead.

All in all, some of the lines were fabulous, and next week is the Britney/Brittany episode, and I can'teffingwait!

Now, to Survivor.

***

Survivor: Nicaragua

I'm trying as hard as humanly possible to work out just how there are 21 seasons of Survivor, if I can remember the first one, vividly, being when I was about 10 years old. Also, it was around the same time Big Brother USA started, and they just completed season 12? I'm sure a trip to IMDb would sort things out, but I just don't have the patience. ANYWAY, this time, folks, we are in Nicaragua, though, beyond title, I don't find the location adds or subtracts anything to the show. So, this year's twist? YOUNG -VS- OLD, dun dun dunnnnnn. The under-30 and over-40 crowds, to be specific. I spent a nice, LONG time in MSPaint making the following infographic:

To get everyone's names in there.

I took notes watching the first episode. The first thing I noted was that the majority of the "younger tribe" have horrible, horrible names. Sash? Chase? Male Shannon? BENRY? NAONKA????? Luckily, I found out that "Benry"s actual name is Ben Henry, and that's just a hideous nickname of his two names combined, thanks to CBS.com. All I can say is - wait til our generation of Teen Mommies have their kids on Survivor - can't wait to see those names... I shudder at the thought.


 Thoughts on everyone on La Flor:


Alina: Ehh. I have no strong feelings about her in any way, just yet. She's just sorta... there. Not too irritating, which is a bonus.
Jud: Shannon hit the nail on the head when he said that Jud was "a male version of a dumb blonde". Ohmygod, this boy is STUPID. He managed to injure himself roughly half a dozen times in the first 10 minutes of airtime. They have dubbed him, "Fabio", and although he'd make me want to *headdesk* til I bled from my ears in real life, he's at least entertaining.
Shannon: OHHHH boy. See, in my notes, after episode one, all I have written is, "Might not hate him". After episode 2... well, I'll get to that.
Naonka: Besides having one of the most fucking hideous names I have ever heard in my life, this bitch is BATSHIT INSANE. She's the token brash, inyoface black woman. It pisses me off, because it's like they cast people to perpetuate negative stereotypes. She rrrrrrreally hates Jud, and is constantly in a bad mood, and had a shitfit over a pair of socks. Should be an interesting one to watch.
Kelly B: She's the one with the fake leg, and will forever be known as such. Not a fan or hers, but, whatever.
Sash: What kind of name is Sash? He's a dude, by the way. The only guy that didn't insta-bond with the other guys, he says he's half-black and therefore wants to align with Naonka, and Brenda (who's Asian), since they're the minorities. Sure.
Chase: is a moron. Dumb as bricks, reminds me of Lane from BB12.
Kelly S: is a pretty little thing with purple in her hair (it's awesome, I love it), so they call her PurpleKelly. So far, 0 opinion on her.
Brenda: is the Asian one. She says that she's "single, single, SINGLE! Totally single!" and will use that to get ahead and form alliances... so basically she's gonna bat her eyelashes and make it through, or so she thinks. Has Chase under a spell, apparently.
Benry: has no discernible personality thus far.

So, what about Espada?

Jimmy J.: used to be an NFL coach. He's old as dirt and not a strong player, but methinks I love that old man. He's trying to get everyone to work together and inspire them and such.
Jill: has a bad haircut, but overall seems like a decent human being. Although she ate random, wild snails in the second episode, and wigged Holly out because of it.
Yve: is really pretty and looks younger than the rest of them. Her occupation is listed as "homemaker", so I'd like to know who's making her home while she traipses off to Nicaragua for 39 days, but I suppose that's neither here nor there. I liked her so far.
Jimmy T.: looks like a dirty old man, hates Jimmy J., and overall seems like a huge asshole. No drama just yet, however.
Marty: is described in my notes as "alpha-male, asshole type". He's only 48, but completely grey, so I thought he was older. However, physically, he's in 100 times better shape than I am. It's impressive. I don't like him. He's kind of taking over a leadership role, but I think Jimmy J. has a better grip on the tribe than he does.
Jane: is 56 and widow, which makes me sad panda. She's unusually useful for someone that age, she made fire without flint, she seems really nice, and overall I am definitely rooting for her!
Wendy: had the most irritating voice I had ever heard, everyone thought she seemed "a little weird", she's a goat farmer, and the first tribal council... well, again. I'll get there.
Dan: is the stereotypical guy from NY. He's lookin' pretty good for 63, I suppose. Seems like a jerk, no surprise there, and lost his shoes to someone because he made fun of them., but I'll get to that.
Tyrone: is 42, a firefighter, and seems like a nice guy. No real opinion on him yet.
Holly: also has horrific hair, and had a breakdown like 4 days in, and stole Dan's shoes, filled them with sand, and wouldn't eat the snails... and overall is a bundle of crazy. Dislike.


Unless a challenge is REEEEALLY INTERESTING, I'm not going to talk about it. Because it's been 21 years of the same thing, over and over (seroiusly, how much do they have to pay Jeff Probst to continue to look entertained and enthused as he hosts this stuff - over and over?)

Sufficeth to say, the Young Tribe won the first challenge, sending the Old Tribe to Tribal Council. They debated on which of their two weakest links to vote out - Jimmy J., or Wendy? Wendy knew her ass was on the line at Tribal Council and threw a whiny bitchfit in a desperate attempt to get votes.. and when has that ever worked? So, her ass was grass.



Big red X on Wendy there.

That was episode one. Episode 2 was better, because:

• Naonka turned in to the super-bitch from hell (including, " You gonna yell! I CAN GET LOUD TOO!")
• Holly had a breakdown and got rid of Dan's shoes.
• After the competition - which The Older Tribe won, the Younger Tribe were shown deciding who they were going to vote off - and almost every single person's name was thrown out. There was so much he-said, she-said shit flying around, it was like going back to highschool (close enough, half the tribe is my age!). Alina and Kelly B. (Fake Leg Kelly) wanted Brenda gone, because they felt she was manipulating people already, especially Chase (good, they aren't total idiots). Shannon wanted Brenda gone too, and he'd kinda become a ringleader, so it looked like that was going to happen. Then there was talk of Chase going, then people started deciding to get rid of Shannon, and Shannon, well, he was pissed.

WHICH LED TO THE MOST FANTASTIC TRIBAL COUNCIL EVER.
It started with Jeff asking a question; I can't remember what it was, now. I was sleepy. And it led to Shannon FLIPPING THE EFF OUT. Calling Chase out, saying Brenda was his girlfriend, being a complete, immature moron. He ranted ON AND ON, and then Sash opened his mouth to say something, and Shannon says (and this where I lost every ounce of respect for him, by the way)
"I'll get this out of the way now, man. Are you gay?" Well, Sash isn't gay, made some comment about being with more beautiful women than Shannon, and Shannon said something about New York being full of gays. Yeah, way to make yourself look like a redneck, asshole. Jeff even said, "New York is full of homosexuals...?" To which Shannon replied, "WAY MORE THAN LOUISIANA!"

Are you shitting me? ANYWAY.

All the while, JUD, of all people, is trying to tell Shannon to shut up, "STOP IT, MAN! DON'T DO THIS, MAN!" and then Kelly B. and Alina picked up for him... and it was just  A DISASTER. And Naonka opened her big mouth about how much she hated Jud, and overall, they looked like a bunch of 5-year-olds who missed nap time. IT WAS HILARIOUS. It was gold. And I sincerely hope it happens again.

By a vote of 6-3 (we weren't shown the final vote) Shannon was the second person eliminated from Survivor: Nicaragua.


Thank god. I can't deal with that level of homophobia.



And that's all til next Wednesday is Nicaragua!