Saturday, October 2, 2010

An open letter to every annoying customer I've ever had. No love, Brittani.

The first thing I do when a) I get a coupon or, b) hear of a seriously epic-sounding offer that could be too good to be true is:

Read the f'king fine print.

I don't get mad when when a sweet deal isn't so sweet. I don't mind when limitations, restrictions, and certain rules apply. Why would it bother me? If you're getting any kind of deal, you're still getting something for free. Buy one get one, 20% off, 2 for $20... it doesn't matter. You are in some way saving money. Therefore, I don't think I'd have the right to get angry when the coupon is (for example) not valid on Tuesdays (Empire buy one, get one, specifically). It's printed on the damn coupon itself, right there at the bottom. Which, if people would just take to time to read, is sufficient warning and explanation. If the world were full of sensible, hell, even half-brained people, no one would show up at the movies on a Tuesday night with that coupon, and then bitch when they were refused.

Unfortunately, if I've learned one thing in my 4 and a half years in the workforce (has it only been that? It feels more like 20), it's that people do not read signs, coupons, or anything else. It's not that they're illiterate; no, people always see the word "FREE" on a poster or sign - they just miss what precedes and follows it. One of my favorites (in a "this makes me cringe to think about" kind of way) was a woman who had a BOGO (buy one, get one) coupon, handed it to me, and expected one ticket, for free. Um, lady? Let's break down what you have here: A coupon that says Buy one, get one. You're not buying anything if you're expecting it for free...

This happened more than once. Can you understand why I'm one of the most bitter 21-year-olds you're likely to meet? That is just bafflingly ridiculous.

At Empire, it was no Tuesdays for the BOGOs. Extra seasonings were not free. 18A meant no one under 14, PERIOD, because it was CANADIAN LAW, not parental discretion, as one dumb cunt tried to argue for half an hour (she was trying to take her 11-year-old daughter to Good Luck Chuck... seriously). At WalMart, it was no rainchecks on flyer items and no ammunition without your FAC permit. At the gas station, the Sobey's savings only up to 70L of fuel. And do NOT get me started on expiration dates.

Now, at the video store, it's the sale stuff I have the most trouble with. Older movies are $4 each, or buy 2, get 1 free. Newer sale movies are $9.95, or 2/$17, or 3/$21.  All movies are clearly labelled, and on separate panels on the wall, and there are signs all over the panels. People still come in and are flabbergasted they can't get Kick-Ass, The Back Up Plan, and Dear John for a whopping total of $8. Keep in mind, they expect these 3 movies, all still new relases, to cost less than $10 to PURCHASE. Not even to rent. What planet are you from?

4 older movies for 4 days for $4.99 does not include four movies that came out last week. Every sign we have has hand-written notes, in my writing, of course, to clarify things that should be obvious. Even a sign that says, "Blowout sale! $4.00 movies buy 2, get one free. (or $4 each)" has a notation "THIS IS FOR SALE MOVIES, NOT RENTAL!" underneath. Because it HAS to.

Scratch and Match tickets on one title per week (as the sign clearly states) has, in large black marker "ONLY 1 TITLE PER WEEK!" written under it, nonetheless. Because people don't read. They just don't.

But enough about signs and coupons. Another thing that bothers me is desperately cheap people. Now, I make minimum wage, live on my own, pay my power, my rent, my phone... I'm not what you would call "rich", not even "comfortable". I'm actually pretty damn broke. So, naturally, I look for deals. I buy the cheapest of everything. I look for coupons when possible. That being said, I never, ever go in to a store and HAGGLE. Or expect discounts for no reason. PSA: Wal-Mart is not a damn flea market. People would beg and plead for 10% off, 20% off, purposely seek out "damaged" (they were either perfectly fine items with nothing wrong with them,or you could tell the customer looking for the discount had purposely messed them up) items, even when there were 50 more of the same product in perfect shape, whining and pleading for a break in the price. You are scammers. You are cheap bastards. And most of all, YOU ARE AT WAL-MART. You don't get any cheaper than that, anyway!

I have similar feelings to people who used to say their popcorn was crummy, or stale at Empire. Or we didn't fill the bag enough. Etc., etc. Never-ending. Whiner after scammer after bitch-fit-thrower.

Okay. That's all for the cheap, people-do-not-read segment of today's rant. Let's get some quickies out of the way, shall we?

Dear video store customers,

  1. Please stop telling me to smile. If I hear, "smile, would ya!?" one more time, I'm going to hang myself. I am perfectly pleasant when I speak to you. In fact, I'm downright friendly. I do not need to smile, please fuck off.
  2. "No popcorn again?" No, because I have better things to do with my time at work. If there is no popcorn in the popcorn machine, then, logic would dictate there's no popcorn. As you can see, we don't have any random cupboards behind the counter where we would be hiding some. So, if you see that we don't have popcorn, chances are, we are aware of this fact, and you needn't call attention to it. Thanks for your concern that I'm totally unaware of the surroundings I spend 35 hours a week in, however. It's great to know someone cares.
  3. I hate talking about the weather, I really do, but most of the time, it's far more appropriate than some of the things you decide to say to me. Listen, dude, I'm sorry your wife left you, but you don't need to say "Well, gotta get something to keep me busy now that she's gone!" whilst renting porn. *gag* I'm always trying my best to not think about why you're renting the porn and what it is you're going to do with it, so it'd be great if you didn't mention anything that'll give me an unavoidable mental picture.
  4. On the other side of the fence, if you're standing there with porn in your hands, and I say, I can help you here, don't ignore me and wait for my male coworker to be free. Don't be that awkward! I'm not judging you! (as long as you don't make comments such as #3 on this list).
  5. I know what Monty Python is. My favorite movies are Fight Club and V for Vendetta. Chick flicks, unless very, very good, make me gag. Therefore, don't assume my opinion on a movie is invalid, blatantly ignore what I'm telling you, and ask my male coworker (again). My opinion counts; and although I'm more open-minded than a lot of people and can admit when a movie, though terrible, is entertaining - I also know what a good movie is, and you should trust me.
  6. Please stop bringing the cases up to the counter. Notice that there aren't gaps in the wall? That's because the cases have to stay there. And that little blue card behind them? It has a purpose. Bring THAT up to the counter with you. Saves me SO much time and effort.
  7. You'll notice some resistance when you try to put a movie in the drop-off slot during business hours. Why? Because the drop slot is closed when the store is open. This would be clear to you, if you read the big pink sign above it, which I hand wrote, and made sure to underline important words. Jamming the movie against the plastic over and over and over and over again will not make the drop slot magically open. It will just make me hate you.
  8. Contrary to popular belief, I don't spend all my time putting false late charges on your account. And believe you me, asshole, it's not because I don't want to. I physically can't. It's all in the computer. If the computer says you're late, chances are - you're late. STFU and pay your damn fees.
  9. I try to reiterate the times and days your movies are due a minimum of 3 times per transaction. Should you decide to talk on your phone, gab to someone else, or just blatantly ignore me, that is your problem. When we call to remind you that you still have them out, and that they are late, the excuse, "But no one told me when it was due!" is absolute bullshit, and it doesn't fly.
  10. I am not a geisha. I am not paid to entertain you. I know one guy who actually gets mad if me and one of my female coworker don't talk to him for like half an hour. Uh, man? I don't need to here you make cruel jokes about how ugly your wife is, gtfo.
  11. That being said - we are also not tech support. DO NOT rent a movie, then call and say, "I'm stuck on the menu, what do I do now?" I don't know how your DVD player works. I don't even own one, just a PS2. If you don't know how it works, maybe you shouldn't be using it.
For now, I shall rest. I enabled comments from anyone, so if you have anything to say, maybe a list of your own pertaining to your place of employment, please feel free to share. I'd love to hear it.


    1. looooove yoouuu! this post made me laugh. everyone has complaints about their job & how STUPID people are.

    2. YES! And you probably have the most horrible dealing with public job, and you have it multiplied tenfold cause you're in New York! Where I live, everyone's nice, sweet and friendly by nature.

    3. Brittani, I just want to say how great and truthful this post is! These are my biggest peeves working at Walmart (and I have a lot!)

    4. Ugh, I definitely understand where you are coming from. People honestly have to understand that arguing with me for half an hour when I'm working the box office GETS THEM NO WHERE. It's getting me somewhere, because I get paid to argue with them, but it gets them no where.

      Dear Really Difficult Customer Who Wore Yellow Pants and a Yellow Shirt to the Movies Mid-July,

      NO I will NOT let you take your 8 year old daughter to Piranha 3D. Absolutely not. Don't ask me what time my shift is over.. I'm working ALL day, and you aren't going to get in at any time so long as I'm there. Don't ask me what time my supper break is... I'm just going to tell all my coworkers not to let you in.

      And don't think I can't see you go and buy your tickets from the Automated Box Office and then walk by me and try and get in. The box office isn't a prison.. I can freely leave it and I will chase you down and make sure you don't get in.



      p.s. You look like a banana.

    5. LOLOLOL BRETT!!!! The 18A shit was the absolute bane of my existence in my days as a box office slave... arguement after arguement, and they were never, ever going to win.

    6. I DIED @ "I am not a geisha." LMFAO. priceless.

    7. Seriously, unless someone teaches me how to pur tea while showing just the right amount of wrist under my kimono, I am not being paid to entertain sad men.


    * Anything intentionally antagonistic or misspelled to the point it would cause an educated person pain to look at will be deleted.