Monday, July 26, 2010

"I'M GOING TO THE JERSEY SHORE!" No, not really... luckily.

It's easy to hate MTV's Jersey Shore. It's "entertainment" that is clearly marketed towards girls ages 16- 25 who tyPeEE LiKkKEEee DiSS! and talk about "haters" and love to "show their goods" at "clubs". Those of us who are at least marginally intelligent and possess the ability to string a (properly-worded and error-free)sentence together are supposed to scorn their antics, refuse to watch their adventures, and wonder just what a "Snooki" is.

Unfortunately, during season one, many of us stumbled upon an episode or two. Within the first 5 minutes, we wanted to turn away, scoff these fake-baked, over-the-top morons, and forget what we'd seen. However, those of us who made it past the first 5 minutes? I call it "trainwreck-syndrome"; it's horrible, it's scarring - but you just can't look away.

I fell in to this trap, shortly after season one had finished. And thanks to MTV.com, I spent 9 HOURS IN A ROW WATCHING THE ENTIRE THING.

Since then, I've spent the last 6 months waiting patiently for Seson 2, which premieres in just 3 days! Seriously, did they have subliminal messaging in the audio? Now, the friends who got me into JS - all intelligent, non-shitty human beings. How did we get sucked in? I blame some sort of Harry Potter-level witchcraft, on this one.

That being said, here's some quick (hopefully) thoughts on the "characters" we encoutner:

They're orange, they drink, they are (kind of) Italian.



[1]Mike "The Situation":

I hate this man. I'm broken; I find nothing appealing about shirtless men, no matter what they look like. I don't know what the problem is, but I don't find it attractive. The Situation's abs are his claim to fame - but he is ONE HELL of a butterface! Therefore, not being attracted to his chest/stomach + having a hideous face = I find him repulsive. Backtracking, this is not why I hate him, I'm not that shallow. Not only is he 100% full of himself, but he ws mean to Snooki in season one, refers to himself AS "The Situation" (are you kidding me!?) and is just overall a huge douchenozzle. That being said, the show would be very, very boring without him.

[2] "DJ Pauly D: Yeah, they mostly all have nicknames. Okay, Pauly... well, for starters, hairgel went out in the 90s. He doesn't seem to realize this. He has a tanning bed in HIS HOUSE. Apparently, he's some sort of DJ. I don't know of he's any good; I don't know anything(or care) about DJs, I really don't. Pauly is far less of an up-front asshole than Mike, but I think he's just as bad a person. When they're going out to get some ladies, Pauly is usually the charmer when Mike starts letting the asshole within show on the outside. Less annoying, and also less necessary, but he's wildly popular? I don't get it.

[3] Nicole "Snooki": Snooki is by far my favorite. Other websites and bloggers have likened her to a troll-creature, but I think she's wonderful. She's something like 4'11", chunky as anything (just because of her height, she probably weighs like 40 pounds less than me), likes to wear a "slut-bump" in her hair (everyone else refers to it as a "poof"), and is 100% ridiculous. She is a drama-queen, a sook, a whiner, she got famously punched in the face by a dude... she is entertainment in one tiny, orange package, and for that, I love her. I think she's the star!

[4]Jenni "JWOWW" Farley: JWOWW gets a last name because I can actually SPELL hers. Okay. When she first went in the house, she introduced herself as "JWOWW", which pissed people off. She's a nasty drunk (they all are, really) who gets in to fights, has had fake boobs since she was 21, and is basically the trashiest whore, ever. I follow her on Facebook anyway. I like her! I'm not sure why. She and Snooki team up a lot, she stood up for Snooki many times, they got in fights together. AND! ANNNNND! She punched The Situation in the face. She also cheated on her boyfriend (BIG FUCKING SURPRISE, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?) But yeah. Also entertaining.

Now, the "other ones".

[5]Vinny: Okay, Vinny is the most popular and least-annoying of the 4 "other ones". He was 21 during season one, so he had less experience with being a douchebag, and for the most part he seemed kinda like an okay-person, but it didn't take long for him to be just as much of a douchebag womanizer (I'm all for the monogamy, I think that's why I hate everyone? lmao). He had some altercations with t

[6]Ronnie: Okay, Ronnie - musclebound moron that seemed all sweet and stuff at first when he hooked up with Sammi (more on that dumb bitch in a minute), but liiiiiiiiiiiiiiike 4 episodes in you realize he's got the 'roid-rage to the max, and he's crazy jealous and has a horrible temper. He's basically a shitty person. He's useless, I hate him.

[7]Sammi "Sweetheart": One of those girls that is just SO annoying, and overdramatic when it comes to boys, and is all obsessed with Ronnie (why!? dear God, I don't get the appeal of muscles), and takes sort-of abuse from him (well, he enver hit her, but STILL), and gets way too drunk and cries because of ... her toe? Was it something to do with her toe? I can't really remember. I can't fucking STAND her. She adds nothing to the show.

[8]Angelina: Yes, that's the dumb bitch that quit 3 episodes in, hjad a huge mouth, tried to intentionally "cockblock" everyone, cheated on her boyfriend, and carried her clothes in garbage bags ... AND GOT ASKED BACK FOR SEASON TWO ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

And that's it.

They're obsessed with their Gym, their tanning, and their Laundry. They drink more than Newfies and Capers combined. They fight. And they wear more makeup than I thought humanly possible.

They have absolutely no point; and yet we love them. Or love to hate them...

So, here's to Season Two, starting Thursday!

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