Screw resolutions, how about some rules for 2011?

I seriously suck at making New Year resolutions, for a number of reasons. The first being that I suck so, so much as sticking to anything, the second being that - I really don't see the point. It's only a new year because the calendar says so. It really depends on where you start counting from; my birthday was last week, I could count from there. What's happening right now may officially be "2011", but it's also "the year I was 22". The last day of 2010 was also "the year I was 22". Y'know what I mean? My point is, it's not like anything changes just because the days rolled over. I woke up and went to work Saturday morning, on New Year's Day, and it was just the same as Wednesday when I went to work in the morning.

And I went on a tangent. BACK ON TOPIC.


NYE and the days preceding and following it, #RulesFor2011 was trending on Twitter. I like that idea! So in that vein, instead of resolutions, here's some "Rules" for this New Year.

By rules, I pretty much mean wishes.

Rules to Follow in 2011

(or, Brittani's Wish-List )
Volume 1 of...? I don't know yet.

***

A Trip Down Memory Lane: Checking on some old favorites to see if they withstood the test of time.

Now to interrupt your regular programming of ranting and general dragon-lady yelling, with something a little different. As awesome as it feels to get some Legit Issues off my chest every week, sometimes, you just gotta slow it down, sit back, and examine something a little less serious.

You may recall that I dedicated a large portion of my time to the absolute unbridled horror and confusion that today's children's entertainment sparks in the hearts of people my age.  When I was young, nothing I watched really had any educational value. Did it impact me negatively? Well, my spelling and grammar skills are on par if not above and beyond that of the average person, I'm certainly well-read and well-spoken, and I can string together a decently-worded and (mostly) error-free sentence with ease. Therefore, I conclude that the terrible movies and cartoons that essentially babysat me in my youth haven't impacted my development negatively. Sure, there were plenty of "moral" lessons in the form of a gigantic purple* Dinosaur who liked to sing**, and I'm sure Full House had some sort of... wholesome... something.

*First of all, that is NOT purple. Barney is magenta, plain and simple. Today actually happens to be Day of Purple, to raise awareness of the recent string of gay suicides, and I am wearing 4 different shades of the colour, none of which are even close to the weird, pinky-reddish thing that is Barney.
** On another Barney note, the other day a middle-aged customer was discussing Barney with me, and how he always really, really unsettled her, and how she didn't like her now-13-year-old son watching it, because in her opinion, Barney is just a Big "Purple" Child Molester, and who the hell sings about loving kids he barely knows!? She brought up many valid points, I must say.

Lack of any educational value aside, were the shows we watched growing up actually any good? I'd love to pretend like came out of the womb with a deep appreciation for Scorcese films and Meryl Streep's acting, but it'd be a filthy fucking lie. I watched Power Rangers. Religiously. And this weird, muppet-laden show that was only on at 5AM called Kingdom Adventures. Sometimes, I'll go back and watch something I enjoyed as a tyke, like Good Burger, and, though stupid - still find it uproariously funny.

So, with the help of YouTube and Retro Junk, I'm going to put some of the old favorites to a modern-day test, and see if they really were as awesome as we, as 5-10-year-olds thought, or if our tiny brains just didn't know "epic".

***

What has withstood the test of time?

My wonky, irrational fears, in list-form for your enjoyment (and my embarrassment).

This won't be nearly as long as my usual offering**1 , as I can make it fairly succinct and list-like. And by list-like, I mean... yeah, just a list. Yet another list for y'all to feast your wandering eyes on.

I am one of the most cowardly individuals you're likely to encounter. And I can admit to that, which I therefore like to think affords me the right to be so shamelessly lame. Some things I'm afraid of are perfectly understandable (albeit a bit paranoid), like getting raped walking home from work, getting in car accidents, getting robbed at gunpoint while working.**2

*1: I'm only 3 items in to the list, and have found that statement is already a filthy lie.

**2 Seriously, all of these things are legitimately awful and harrowing experiences, and also not even a bit far-fetched. The odds? Okay, other than the car accident (1 in 50,000 chance, fuckers. The chances of winning the lottery -specifically 649- are 1 in 13, 983, 816 - that is not a number pulled out of my ass, click the numbers, et voila, Wikipedia doesnt lie) maybe they aren't so probable, but I like to think that doesn't mean I shouldn't still be worried.

Other fears I have are a little... odd, I guess. Would be the most basic, politically-correct term. My phobias have been a great source of torment and angst to myself - and an even better source of entertainment for my friends over the years. Here are just a few.

***

[1] Sand: No, you're not reading that wrong. That isn't a typo that should say "Satan" (I'm not religious) or "Santa" (that is a real phobia, I just learned). I mean the teeny, tiny, rough granules you see on a beach, that you can make castles out of, or heat super-high to make glass. I am not afraid of it in the sense that I see it and I panic; it's more I can't stand the FEEL of it. It's just find and dandy when you're on the beach, but once you're back in the car and it's all over your feet... in the shower and it's in your hair.... and, the very worst - about to bite in to some food you had at the beach with you and BAM! Grainy, disgusting, unexpected texture (I'm gagging thinking about it), I just can't effing deal. It sends a chill down my spine. So I'm more disgusted by it than scared, but I still count it among my fears.

[2] Butterflies: There are millions of people, just like me, who can't stand insects or bugs. Name me one person (other than a scientist who studies them) that likes cockroaches. Show me someone who doesn't at least cringe a bit at the thought of June bugs (or run screaming, like I do). It's understandable; they're small and they can crawl in to ... places. Is it rational? No, not really; we're far, far bigger than they are. But it's a fact of life. Now, there are some bugs people like: lady bugs, fireflies, butterflies... No, I hate them all equally. But butterflies actually frighten me. I do not like things that fly. Simple as that. Birds make me nervous (especially seagulls... I've seen some that are easily 3 times the size of my fucking cat!). Junebugs can get in your hair. Mosquitoes carry disease.... and butterflies land on you. *shudder* They're so fast, and they flit here and there, and they're unpredictable... and I don't care how damn pretty you all think they are. I find them very, very unnerving.

[3] Losing my toes: This is my classic fear that started at a very young age, and provides great amusement to my friends. Is it irrational? Yes. Is it easily the worst fear of mine, hands down? Also yes. This particular issue has left me with OCD-like tendencies when it comes to counting my fingers and toes. I think it all started when I was a kid; the fam had a 2-door car, and we were all down at the walking track/playground at the bottom of my (former) street. It takes the length of one song on my iPod to get from my parents' house to that walking track, so why we took the car, I'll never know. I was probably 7 or 8 years old, and my sister would've been 4 or 5. We were leaving, piling in the car, I slammed the door... and my sister's entire fucking hand was caught in the door. AND IT WAS SHUT. THE WHOLE CAR DOOR LATCHED.

I'll give you a second to let that sink in.

Well, she screamed and screamed. Luckily, it got her down by the knuckles, so she didn't lose any fingers. Nothing was broken, just sprained and bruised and an overall mess. So, that led me to being completely paranoid every time I closed the door to a vehicle - to this day. It has gotten a little better over time, but not much. My toes are worse than my fingers, however. I have to wiggle them every now and then to make sure they're still there. Don't even get me started about jumping from any height in to water. I jumped off of Albert Bridge (it's like 20-30 feet above the water, to my readers recruited from YouTube and LJ), hit the water in a manner that left me with bruised thighs and sore bones, but the first words out of my mouth when I surfaced? "ARE ALL MY TOES STILL THERE?" I swear, I have 3 witnesses who will attest to it.

[4] All my appliances are out to get me: Luckily, this one has subsided a LOT in the past 4-5 years. Basically, my brain thinks that every time I plugs anything in to an electrical outlet, I am going to be electrocuted. Especially appliances in the bathroom and kitchen, near water. Blame it on too many movies, too many books, too many horror stories. Up until very recently, I would check every plug before it went anywhere near the socket - feel it with my fingers for moisture, and then actually physically dry it off, just to be sure. It was completely compulsive.

Fun fact: Though neither of us had ever discussed it, one day I found out - my mom does it too! So we're both crazy, apparently.

[5] Twi-tards and people with Bieber fever: Actually, this can be filed under so many categories: things I hate, things I laugh at, things I pity, things I just don't fucking understand... and yes, things that scare me. First of all, die-hard fans of anything are frightening, but some are more benign than others. For instance, I'd rather hang out with 500 people in cloaks and wands than just one Juggalo (if you were unfamiliar with Juggalos, and clicked that link, I'm so sorry I just ruined your life a little).***3

***3 I read ED. I'm sorry; I do. I love it. I like to assume most of you don't, or won't, or are unaware of its existence. Which is why I linked you to the Wiki page of Juggalos... for a much more entertaining and honest article: the Encyclopedia Dramatica Link. (Nothing on that site is for the faint of heart, btw.)

That being said, I don't pretend to be educated about Star Wars or Star Trek, but I'd rather be at a convention for either, and publicly declare my ignorance, than go to the opening night of a Twilight movie. And I'm educated about the series. See, I don't believe in ripping something to shreds when you know nothing about it, because it makes you look like an ignorant asshole (and where I live, there's plenty). I know a lot about Twilight - and it's all horrific. I've gone in to it before, abusive relationship low self esteem reckless behavior gaping plot holes blah blah blah... but Twilight fans don't care how stupid it all is, and they will get violent if you try to make them see the light of reason. Bieber fans? Same deal. It's one thing to like someone's music, and another thing entirely to threaten to kill Kim Kardashian because of him. (Links to Perez!) Any fanbase that will threaten violence because of either

a) Something FICTIONAL. or,

b) SOMEONE FAMOUS YOU WILL NEVER PERSONALLY KNOW,

is horrifically terrifying, and scares me. A lot.

Kids' shows these days... Just what the hell is wrong!?

This particular blog is dedicated to Janine. She brought up some excellent points pertaining to all that is wrong with the animated children's show, Franklin. Yeah, the turtle. I had never noticed anything problematic about the little green bastard until she highlighted some of the issues. Franklin is now one of the MANY programs aimed at the kiddies that bothers me. Back in high school, I wrote an article for the school paper, showing some of the neglect, interspecies lovin' and all-around bad parenting evident in many of today's cartoons.

Some of this is word-for-word from my original article, some of it is new (since I can swear and make sex references now, huzzah!). Either way, prepare to be perplexed by just what today's tots are being "entertained" (Oh, I'm sorry - EDU-tained) by.

***

You're not fooling anyone: People who won't rent porn but may as well be.

This is not a rant. This is one of my favorite observations I have made in the last year as a video stork clerk (clerkette? is there a gender-specific way to say that, or is it neutral? Is it sexist to ask if there's a difference? I really don't know what's "P.C." these days).

Now, my store is the only one on my island that rents ADULT MATERIAL. Yeah, we call it ADULT, ADULT product, etc. What that means, boys and girls, is PORN. There are stores that SELL such "materials" around here, but if you just want it for two days, my store is the only place to get it. And it's popular. And it's renters are exactly what you think: middle-aged and old men.

I'm not saying this is the only demographic of people who watch porn; far from it. The difference is, all the younger men (and women) know about this li'l thing called the internet, where you can find such films a) for free and b) without anyone knowing. Once the older generations die off and the younger, more tech-savvy remain, porn rentals (and really all rentals, video stores are on their deathbed) will die off as well.

But until then, we prosper.

I do not judge people who watch or rent porn. Not in the least. However, I do judge the people who won't man up and rent porn, and instead think they're tricking us by renting movies such as:

• Showgirls


• Bliss (it's a TV series that's essentially softcore)


• In the Cut


• The Dreamers


• Hotel Erotica


• Wild Things


• Any filthy, low-budget sex comedy that is about 95% sex and 2% comedy (and 3% terrible "acting")


• and Any Movie Famous For A Sex Scene (or Several), e.g. Basic Instinct.

Now, your little ruse may work on some people, but I know movies. They are my love, my passion, and I have researched every genre and sub-genre ruthlessly, and I know an erotic thriller when I see one. I've seen many of these movies myself; the difference is, I rent them along with other movies. Or, I admit that I'm in the mood for something trashy and fun. I do not rent them in replacement of porn.

Listen, fellas, I don't know who you're trying to kid. I know what you're doing when you're watching these suedo-skin flicks (ew, try not to picture it *gag*). You think there's something wrong, or sad, or embarrassing by renting actual adult films? There isn't. I'm not judging you. However, the only reason I even felt compelled to write this was because of one encounter I had recently.

Me: And there's one late here, for $1.
Dude: No problem, which movie.
Me: The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down (a/k/a a "drama" that's full of sex, but doesn't have a misleading title, and actually sounds like a porn).
Dude: WHAT!? I would never rent one of those movies! I don't watch pornography!!
Me: No, it's a drama.
Dude: Oh, okay.
Me: So Showgirls and Bliss will be due back next week...

To sum it all up, get over yourself, you're no better than the people who watch ACTUAL adult movies, and you're not fooling anyone.

"I'M GOING TO THE JERSEY SHORE!" No, not really... luckily.

It's easy to hate MTV's Jersey Shore. It's "entertainment" that is clearly marketed towards girls ages 16- 25 who tyPeEE LiKkKEEee DiSS! and talk about "haters" and love to "show their goods" at "clubs". Those of us who are at least marginally intelligent and possess the ability to string a (properly-worded and error-free)sentence together are supposed to scorn their antics, refuse to watch their adventures, and wonder just what a "Snooki" is.

Unfortunately, during season one, many of us stumbled upon an episode or two. Within the first 5 minutes, we wanted to turn away, scoff these fake-baked, over-the-top morons, and forget what we'd seen. However, those of us who made it past the first 5 minutes? I call it "trainwreck-syndrome"; it's horrible, it's scarring - but you just can't look away.

I fell in to this trap, shortly after season one had finished. And thanks to MTV.com, I spent 9 HOURS IN A ROW WATCHING THE ENTIRE THING.

Since then, I've spent the last 6 months waiting patiently for Seson 2, which premieres in just 3 days! Seriously, did they have subliminal messaging in the audio? Now, the friends who got me into JS - all intelligent, non-shitty human beings. How did we get sucked in? I blame some sort of Harry Potter-level witchcraft, on this one.

That being said, here's some quick (hopefully) thoughts on the "characters" we encoutner:

They're orange, they drink, they are (kind of) Italian.


[1]Mike "The Situation":
I hate this man. I'm broken; I find nothing appealing about shirtless men, no matter what they look like. I don't know what the problem is, but I don't find it attractive. The Situation's abs are his claim to fame - but he is ONE HELL of a butterface! Therefore, not being attracted to his chest/stomach + having a hideous face = I find him repulsive. Backtracking, this is not why I hate him, I'm not that shallow. Not only is he 100% full of himself, but he ws mean to Snooki in season one, refers to himself AS "The Situation" (are you kidding me!?) and is just overall a huge douchenozzle. That being said, the show would be very, very boring without him.

[2] "DJ Pauly D: Yeah, they mostly all have nicknames. Okay, Pauly... well, for starters, hairgel went out in the 90s. He doesn't seem to realize this. He has a tanning bed in HIS HOUSE. Apparently, he's some sort of DJ. I don't know of he's any good; I don't know anything(or care) about DJs, I really don't. Pauly is far less of an up-front asshole than Mike, but I think he's just as bad a person. When they're going out to get some ladies, Pauly is usually the charmer when Mike starts letting the asshole within show on the outside. Less annoying, and also less necessary, but he's wildly popular? I don't get it.

[3] Nicole "Snooki": Snooki is by far my favorite. Other websites and bloggers have likened her to a troll-creature, but I think she's wonderful. She's something like 4'11", chunky as anything (just because of her height, she probably weighs like 40 pounds less than me), likes to wear a "slut-bump" in her hair (everyone else refers to it as a "poof"), and is 100% ridiculous. She is a drama-queen, a sook, a whiner, she got famously punched in the face by a dude... she is entertainment in one tiny, orange package, and for that, I love her. I think she's the star!

[4]Jenni "JWOWW" Farley: JWOWW gets a last name because I can actually SPELL hers. Okay. When she first went in the house, she introduced herself as "JWOWW", which pissed people off. She's a nasty drunk (they all are, really) who gets in to fights, has had fake boobs since she was 21, and is basically the trashiest whore, ever. I follow her on Facebook anyway. I like her! I'm not sure why. She and Snooki team up a lot, she stood up for Snooki many times, they got in fights together. AND! ANNNNND! She punched The Situation in the face. She also cheated on her boyfriend (BIG FUCKING SURPRISE, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?) But yeah. Also entertaining.

Now, the "other ones".

[5]Vinny: Okay, Vinny is the most popular and least-annoying of the 4 "other ones". He was 21 during season one, so he had less experience with being a douchebag, and for the most part he seemed kinda like an okay-person, but it didn't take long for him to be just as much of a douchebag womanizer (I'm all for the monogamy, I think that's why I hate everyone? lmao). He had some altercations with t

[6]Ronnie: Okay, Ronnie - musclebound moron that seemed all sweet and stuff at first when he hooked up with Sammi (more on that dumb bitch in a minute), but liiiiiiiiiiiiiiike 4 episodes in you realize he's got the 'roid-rage to the max, and he's crazy jealous and has a horrible temper. He's basically a shitty person. He's useless, I hate him.

[7]Sammi "Sweetheart": One of those girls that is just SO annoying, and overdramatic when it comes to boys, and is all obsessed with Ronnie (why!? dear God, I don't get the appeal of muscles), and takes sort-of abuse from him (well, he enver hit her, but STILL), and gets way too drunk and cries because of ... her toe? Was it something to do with her toe? I can't really remember. I can't fucking STAND her. She adds nothing to the show.

[8]Angelina: Yes, that's the dumb bitch that quit 3 episodes in, hjad a huge mouth, tried to intentionally "cockblock" everyone, cheated on her boyfriend, and carried her clothes in garbage bags ... AND GOT ASKED BACK FOR SEASON TWO ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

And that's it.

They're obsessed with their Gym, their tanning, and their Laundry. They drink more than Newfies and Capers combined. They fight. And they wear more makeup than I thought humanly possible.

They have absolutely no point; and yet we love them. Or love to hate them...

So, here's to Season Two, starting Thursday!

List time: The 3 Types of Movie-Watchers

I'll be the first to admit that at one point in my life, I was an elitist bitch. Considering how young I am, this meant I was one stuck-up, pretentious little high schooler. Indie movies, Oscar winners, music that didn't get radio airplay, TV shows that faded in to obscurity - that was me (I was going to say - rejecting sports and sporting events, but that's just because I'm fat, not because I was a snob). Now that I've grown up and gotten the hell over myself (anyone else getting a chill thinking about hipsters?), I can't flipping stand people like that.

When I was even younger, I was one of the mindless masses that wouldn't watch anything that didn't have a) ridiculous amounts of explosions, or b) sex and fart jokes. These are the action/comedy people who wouldn't broaden their horizons if their lives depended on it. They are the opposite end of the spectrum from the Elitists, and they are just as annoying.

Having been both of these people and now sitting at a happy medium, I have strong views on all categories of the movie-watching public. So, without further ado, my First List.

The 3 Main Types of the Movie-Watching Public

The I Wish I Saw it at Cannes

Loves Foreign films. Loves Indie films. Loves The Godfather (but hates how "mainstream" it is). Loves to use the word "film" instead of "movie". Won't admit to how awesome Fight Club is because of its over-exposed cult status. Will not watch comedies, action movies, Sci-fi or any rom-coms. Hates musicals. Won't watch fantasy movies because, "I don't watch stupid movies/things that aren't real." Their opinion is always more important than yours, and is ALWAYS right. Of course they haven't seen The Hangover; it's funny and mass-produced!

Example:
"What did you think of Shutter Island?"
"Although it was more mainstream than I usually enjoy, all of Scorses' subtleties and nuances as well as the atmospheric tension he created were well-done and DiCaprio;s vulnerability on-screen was excellently executed..." etc.

The Steven Segal

I've coined the name for this type of person after one of the most prolific action movie stars. I've never seen a Steven Segal movie, and for all I know, they could be amazing. But let's just assume for a moment they're all fairly similar. Well, even though they've seen it all before DOZENS of times, The Steven Segal is still excited every time a new formula-action flick or teen sex comedy is released. Thrillers, dramas, fantasy movies - all of them are just not worth watching in the eye of the Steven Segal. Hates musicals. Also huge fans of non-creative horror movies (Alternate name: The Freddy Krueger).

Example:
"What did you think of Shutter Island?"
"It was weird and it didn't make any sense and that guy from The Departed and Titanic was in it, but it still wasn't any good, I wouldn't recommend it, it was too confusing and nothing cool happened."

The I'll Try Anything Once

I've morphed in to this hybrid over the past couple of years. The name says it all; we can appreciate a good comedy, see the entertainment value in a bad comedy, see the "fun" in action and horror movies, see all the cinematic value in the "classics" and the award-winners. We'll watch a good documentary if it catches our eye, deal with the subtitles on Foreign films, have no shame in how much we love blockbusters like Iron Man and Kick-Ass, but won't shy away from any Indie film that piques our interest. Now, I'm not saying we aren't annoying as well (just ask my boyfriend LOL), because of how easily we get frustrated with people who won't just sit back and enjoy the ride. Doesn't hate musicals.

Example:
"What did you think of Shutter Island?"
"It was really good! Kinda weird though, definitely hurt my head a little. Leo was great though, I thought it was cool."

A few sub-category honorable mentions.

The Slasher Fan: Rents horror movies. Nothing else. Specifically, any slasher flick.

The Elitist Horror Fan: The I Wish I Saw it at Cannes version of The Slasher Fan. Supernatural, atmospheric flicks only.

The Elderly Woman: Dear, can you pick me out a good love story, or maybe a nice family show?

The Dog Lover: I know this seems like an unnecessary category, but people go APE SHIT for dog movies, it's insane.

The I Wish I Saw Steven Segal at Cannes: is ALMOST the I'll Try Anything Once, but they won't watch Sci-fi, fantasy, or anything that they decide to deem "stupid". Some of the most frustrating to deal with.

The Peter Pan: This person never really got over Toy Story. But then again, who has? : )

***

Whick one are you?

Me, I'm a mix between the Try Anything Once and The Peter Pan, because I love me some kids movies.