Quickies (not the fun kind) VOL 1: Some of my "favorite" customer encounters, in brief.

I think it makes me look like a real estate agent.  Or an insurance broker.

Every now and then*, I have a simply delightful encounter with an esteemed patron that I will never forget, that will stick with me forever, to be told to my hypothetical children and even more unlikely grandchildren. The encounter could've been an action, a word, or a full-on exchange of thoughts and ideals that when recalled, just plain tickles me.

Incidently - I fucking hate being tickled. Ask the boyfriend; let's just say he's lucky he doesn't bruise.

Every single job I've had (and I've had six in the last 4 and a half years) has come with a wonderful story or two to share with you, my dear friends. Some are just plain classic; some make me laugh now, looking back - and others still make me very, very happy I am not one for violence. The Worst of the Worst were definitely those I encountered at Wal-Mart and Empire Theatres. The ones I encounter currently, at the video store, are far more benign. But every one of these impossibly rude, ignorant, and just plain mean mother effers deserve their place in this blog.

Consider this a companion to my earlier Open Letter to Every Annoying Customer I've Ever Had (definitely worth a read if you haven't already!).

Some of these stories you may have heard before, as I am fond of recounting them when I'm feeling particularly steamed. Others have been chronicled in my short-lived Livejournal blog, Box Office Blues.

Without further adieu or prolonged explanation (beyond that which I've written to this point - I'm sorry, I don't know how to keep things short and sweet), here are the Classics, categorized by job. This is the first collection, soon to be followed by another.

*I get a little bit terrifiiiiiiied but then I see the look in your eyesssssssss... Both myself and my other half are completely unable to speak a line from a song in normal conversation without then immediately singing whatever song it's from. I swear, it's a syndrome.

Short and not-so-sweet, Vol. 1:

• Some things are universal to any job. Let's say it's Rememberance Day (Veteran's Day, for my American homies). Many things are closed, except the movie theatre, and restaurants, and the video store. As I worked two Rememberance Days at the theatre and 2 at the video store (yesterday included), I can tell you that this played out about 325987346975694 times -

*phone rings*

Me: Hi, *whichever establishment I'm working at*

Caller: Are you open today?

*what I want to say*

Nope, I'm just paid to answer the phone and tell you we're not!

*what I end up saying*

Yep!

Now, one can argue that once you call and someone's answered, what are you supposed to say? That's easy, "Oh, great! You guys are open, that's all I wanted to know." I've had that response a dozen times and there's nothing wrong with it. I encourage it. It saves a shred of your image you're trying to cultivate in which you aren't an idiot.

• WalMart: When will this be going on sale?   I'm not 100% sure when that $15 item that certainly retails for a good 10 to 20 dollars more at any other establishment will be further marked down. This may come as a surprise to you, but this young girl working in Sporting Goods isn't exactly in cahoots with head office, or whoever the hell decides when sales - excuse me "Rollbacks" -will be taking place. Seeing as we just got it in a few days ago, you might be waiting a while. And if you aren't willing to just buy the damn thing - AT WAL-MART, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, then how badly do you really want it? Yeah, that's what I thought.
• The busiest gas station in town: Can you turn on the air pump?   Okay, you obviously saw the sign that said, "50 cents". Do I think someone should have to pay for air? Not necessarily, but I also don't have a car, a bike, or anything else that would need such a service, and since society treats me like dirt, I think I'm entitled to be a little selfish and not give a rat's ass, don't you? Anyway, I don't care that you think it's "outrageous" and that you're "going somewhere else!" Do you know how much money this station makes? And stop calling me a liar; I promise - if I did have this magical button you speak of that could turn on the air pump and save you a couple of quarters (is that a new SUV you're driving? I'm sorry you're so hard up for cash!), I would gladly press it - TO GET YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.
• The video store: It couldn't have been late, my son/daughter/husband/whoever took it back *due date*. I get this every day, and it used to be confined to sketchy deadbeat customers, but lately it's been a constant string of "good" customers, and it is driving me to drink. Listen, the computer's don't lie. You say your kid took it back on Sunday and it's showing returned on Monday (this time it happened to be Thanksgiving, so... your kid was not in school, maybe they kept it another night to watch?), then guess what - IT WAS RETURNED ON MONDAY. I don't care how much your son/daughter/husband/wife/sister WHOEVER insisted they brought it back - do you ever stop to think, just for ONE SECOND, that they might be lying to you because they don't want to get blamed for the late fee? So instead of owning up to the fact they didn't bring it back in time, they blame us? Of course not, because your pwecious family would never do that.
• Again with the everywhere: But I was here last week and... Although I, personally, was most definitely here last week, and I have no proof that you were, and you could very well be lying, I will still give you the benefit of the doubt. You easily could be telling the truth. But ONLY on that part of your statement. Whenever someone starts a tirade with this, it will immediately be followed by a lie. "But last week someone told me these were going to be one sale." No, they didn't. "But last week it was only $5.00 to see a movie!" No, it wasn't. "But I was here last week and they let me take my 7-year-old to see the Texas Chainsaw Massacre!" No, they didn't.  "But last week someone told me you could rent two movies and get one free!" Okay, which one of the four people, total, who work here, none of whom are new or stupid, told you that? Oh, wait - no, they didn't. "But I rented a movie here last week!" Your account has been inactive for six months because you stole $100 worth of video games, would you like to see your transaction history? Better yet, would you like to pay for the games you stole, or should I call the police?
• The movie theatre: No, the rating is based on parental discretion...  This is what we call "the perfect way to make yourself sound like you have the mental capacity of a retarded goldfish". Now, when it comes to what your children watch on TV, the video games they play, and the music they listen to - at HOME, mind you - it is up to you. You give the permission, and they can do it. Now, when you go to the movie theatre, there's a set of "ratings" in place. Obviously, little Jimmy or Susie can see any movie rated G or PG. If it's rated 14A, you can bring them along and watch it with them. But when it gets up to 18A - Canadian law states that they must be 18-years-old or older, OR be at least 14-years-old AND accompanied by an adult. That is what it means. It does NOT mean your 11-year-old daughter can go with you to Good Luck Chuck (and that movie is so filled with sex, I can't believe any parent would try to take their kid, but I digress). You can argue til you're blue in the face (and the woman who has this story seared in my memory certainly did) that "IT'S PARENTAL DISCRETION! THIS IS MY DAUGHTER! I DECIDE WHAT SHE SEES!" But I'm just going to continue to repeat, "As you can see on that awfully official-looking sign that was sent to us by the MPAA, it states explicitly that it is Canadian law. Are you above the law, ma'am?"
• The first call center I worked at: Dear, your accent is so strong I can't understand you.  Today, kids, we learn the definition of irony - this call will always stick with me, because the caller? WAS FROM NEWFOUNDLAND. AND COULDN'T UNDERSTAND MY ACCENT. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? For funsies (and my foreigners): Now, this was a commercial but it is EXTREMELY ACCURATE. Seriously. A guy that works with the boyfriend is a Newfie and this is exactly how he speaks.

I saved some of my lengthier and more rage-worthy stories for volume 2, stay tuned, friends.

An open letter to every annoying customer I've ever had. No love, Brittani.

The first thing I do when a) I get a coupon or, b) hear of a seriously epic-sounding offer that could be too good to be true is:

Read the f'king fine print.

Irksome, pesky things: "JB ", on-and-off more than Heidi and Spencer, etc.

My grandfather is fond of saying his name and adding a ridiculous list of middle names, so it sounds complicated when he rhymes it off. Some of these names are "John Augustus McGillicudy". There are at least 2 more. I think his actual middle name is simply "John". Whenever he does this, my Nana always says, "You forgot 'Irksome Pesky'." Because Nana's funny like that. I love the term, personally. Which is why I can apply it to the things in this list,


Thing That Drive Me Completely Insane, Vol. 2- the "Irksome, Pesky" edition.

***

Completely random & unimportant things that irk me, VOL. 1.

I guess this would be considered my Second List, after my 3 Types of Movie Watchers (ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-checkitout).

Now, I know that everyone has BIG issues, like say... racism, or war, or religion, or abortion laws, or anything else that's a legit issue and controversial. For the sake of not needing to defend myself or argue with anyone, I'm not discussing that crap here. I'm focusing, right now, on the mundane things; the little annoyances that get under your skin, for no particular reason.

I could easily list off HUNDREDS of these trivialities. For everyone's sake - I won't : ). But to alleviate some of the pressure on my poor brain that these pesky, irsksome peeves causes me, I'll share a few.

In volumes, apparently... but just a short list for now, promise!

So, without further adieu, My Second List,

A Condensed Version of Things That Drive Me Bonkers, Vol. 1

[1] The Twilight Series

In theory, I have no real issue with this series***. Yes, its Twi-tards are RIDICULOUS, but so are many other cult-like fanbases (I'm still waiting for that Hogwarts letter, so I really can't judge). Vampires are cool. So are werewolves, I guess. However - Bella Swan, not so much. Now, I'm not nuts, so I'm not all, "OMGGGggGgg WUT A BITCH SHE DUZNT DESERVE EDwAArDdDD Or JAcOB!!! i haTE HER!!!" (yes, there are some people that hate the character based on the fact that two FICTIONAL (and teenaged) characters are after her, what has the world come to?). My problem is that, well, she is pathetic. Sure, a lot of girls are. I am, a lot of the time. But like... no 18-year-old girl is mature enough to decide that her whole life depends on one sparkly, blood-sucking moron. Basically everything she says and does makes me want to punch her in the face. She thinks she's too young to get married, but she's not too young to make a life-altering (and suspending, I guess, since the whole immortal thing) decision to become a vampire. Because duh, she's known this guy for like 2 years, so obviously she wants to spend eternity with him.

Are you kidding me?

It just drives me nuts that people EAT THIS SHIT UP. They fucking LOVE IT. The only book I read in the series was the first one, and the writing was piss-poor, soap-opera caliber garbage. I've read plenty of bad books; what bothers me about these is that people defend Stephanie Meyer, citing, "It was her first novel! She's a first-time writer!" I've had like, middle-aged women attempt to use this argument against me.

Well, I have a name for you: JK Rowling.
And therefore, a book: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.

First-time writer. First-time novel.
Not even remotely sucky.*

*Note: You can say all you want about the Harry Potter series itself, but content aside, the actual writing is what I'm using as an example; it is far, far superior to that of the Twilight series, and unless you've read books of both, you can't argue that. Thanks.

***I have so much to say because I have seen all the movies. The boyfriend and I find them entertaining, mainly in a so-bad-it's-good-way. I'm not a closet Twlight fan.

I shall rest on this one now, I get angry just typing about it!

The rest will be FAR briefer!



[2] Hey, do you guys have...?

This question is ALWAYS completed with the title of a movie that has JUST been released in theatres. "No, it was released IN THEATRES LAST FRIDAY." "Oh, but I saw a commercial for it on TV." "Yes, but that's because it's new. TO THEATRES." "Don't you guys get all the same movies?" "YES, when they're RELEASED ON DVD AND BLU-RAY SEVERAL MONTHS LATER." You have absolutely no idea how often this exchange takes place. It makes me want to bang my head off the counter.




[3] I "seen" that last week!

No. Noooo. NononononNONONONONONONONONO!!!! You SAW. SAW!!! You saw the movie. "I saw that before." Or, if you absolutely MUST use the word "seen". "I HAVE SEEN that movie before." *deepbreath* Where I live, damn near everyone says it. There is nothing that makes anyone sound any more uneducated and redneck than this phrase. It sends shivers up my spine.

On a similar note, there's the whole your =/= you are issue, however this is restricted to the written word, be it on Facebook, on paper, wherever. Yes, grammar (particularly in its written form) can be a gigantic pain in the ass. I can forgive the occasional written (or typed) slip. BUT YOU ARE SPEAKING. To quote Samuel L. Jackson in 1994's Pulp Fiction, "ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?" *headdesk*


***

I'm actually going to conclude volume one now, as I rambled far too long about Twilight (did I mention that neither of the lead men are good people (wolves, vampires, whatever the hell they are? I could go on...). So that's it, for now... what bugs you? (Please don't say terrorism. Keep it light, homies).

You're not fooling anyone: People who won't rent porn but may as well be.

This is not a rant. This is one of my favorite observations I have made in the last year as a video stork clerk (clerkette? is there a gender-specific way to say that, or is it neutral? Is it sexist to ask if there's a difference? I really don't know what's "P.C." these days).

Now, my store is the only one on my island that rents ADULT MATERIAL. Yeah, we call it ADULT, ADULT product, etc. What that means, boys and girls, is PORN. There are stores that SELL such "materials" around here, but if you just want it for two days, my store is the only place to get it. And it's popular. And it's renters are exactly what you think: middle-aged and old men.

I'm not saying this is the only demographic of people who watch porn; far from it. The difference is, all the younger men (and women) know about this li'l thing called the internet, where you can find such films a) for free and b) without anyone knowing. Once the older generations die off and the younger, more tech-savvy remain, porn rentals (and really all rentals, video stores are on their deathbed) will die off as well.

But until then, we prosper.

I do not judge people who watch or rent porn. Not in the least. However, I do judge the people who won't man up and rent porn, and instead think they're tricking us by renting movies such as:

• Showgirls


• Bliss (it's a TV series that's essentially softcore)


• In the Cut


• The Dreamers


• Hotel Erotica


• Wild Things


• Any filthy, low-budget sex comedy that is about 95% sex and 2% comedy (and 3% terrible "acting")


• and Any Movie Famous For A Sex Scene (or Several), e.g. Basic Instinct.

Now, your little ruse may work on some people, but I know movies. They are my love, my passion, and I have researched every genre and sub-genre ruthlessly, and I know an erotic thriller when I see one. I've seen many of these movies myself; the difference is, I rent them along with other movies. Or, I admit that I'm in the mood for something trashy and fun. I do not rent them in replacement of porn.

Listen, fellas, I don't know who you're trying to kid. I know what you're doing when you're watching these suedo-skin flicks (ew, try not to picture it *gag*). You think there's something wrong, or sad, or embarrassing by renting actual adult films? There isn't. I'm not judging you. However, the only reason I even felt compelled to write this was because of one encounter I had recently.

Me: And there's one late here, for $1.
Dude: No problem, which movie.
Me: The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down (a/k/a a "drama" that's full of sex, but doesn't have a misleading title, and actually sounds like a porn).
Dude: WHAT!? I would never rent one of those movies! I don't watch pornography!!
Me: No, it's a drama.
Dude: Oh, okay.
Me: So Showgirls and Bliss will be due back next week...

To sum it all up, get over yourself, you're no better than the people who watch ACTUAL adult movies, and you're not fooling anyone.

List time: The 3 Types of Movie-Watchers

I'll be the first to admit that at one point in my life, I was an elitist bitch. Considering how young I am, this meant I was one stuck-up, pretentious little high schooler. Indie movies, Oscar winners, music that didn't get radio airplay, TV shows that faded in to obscurity - that was me (I was going to say - rejecting sports and sporting events, but that's just because I'm fat, not because I was a snob). Now that I've grown up and gotten the hell over myself (anyone else getting a chill thinking about hipsters?), I can't flipping stand people like that.

When I was even younger, I was one of the mindless masses that wouldn't watch anything that didn't have a) ridiculous amounts of explosions, or b) sex and fart jokes. These are the action/comedy people who wouldn't broaden their horizons if their lives depended on it. They are the opposite end of the spectrum from the Elitists, and they are just as annoying.

Having been both of these people and now sitting at a happy medium, I have strong views on all categories of the movie-watching public. So, without further ado, my First List.

The 3 Main Types of the Movie-Watching Public

The I Wish I Saw it at Cannes

Loves Foreign films. Loves Indie films. Loves The Godfather (but hates how "mainstream" it is). Loves to use the word "film" instead of "movie". Won't admit to how awesome Fight Club is because of its over-exposed cult status. Will not watch comedies, action movies, Sci-fi or any rom-coms. Hates musicals. Won't watch fantasy movies because, "I don't watch stupid movies/things that aren't real." Their opinion is always more important than yours, and is ALWAYS right. Of course they haven't seen The Hangover; it's funny and mass-produced!

Example:
"What did you think of Shutter Island?"
"Although it was more mainstream than I usually enjoy, all of Scorses' subtleties and nuances as well as the atmospheric tension he created were well-done and DiCaprio;s vulnerability on-screen was excellently executed..." etc.

The Steven Segal

I've coined the name for this type of person after one of the most prolific action movie stars. I've never seen a Steven Segal movie, and for all I know, they could be amazing. But let's just assume for a moment they're all fairly similar. Well, even though they've seen it all before DOZENS of times, The Steven Segal is still excited every time a new formula-action flick or teen sex comedy is released. Thrillers, dramas, fantasy movies - all of them are just not worth watching in the eye of the Steven Segal. Hates musicals. Also huge fans of non-creative horror movies (Alternate name: The Freddy Krueger).

Example:
"What did you think of Shutter Island?"
"It was weird and it didn't make any sense and that guy from The Departed and Titanic was in it, but it still wasn't any good, I wouldn't recommend it, it was too confusing and nothing cool happened."

The I'll Try Anything Once

I've morphed in to this hybrid over the past couple of years. The name says it all; we can appreciate a good comedy, see the entertainment value in a bad comedy, see the "fun" in action and horror movies, see all the cinematic value in the "classics" and the award-winners. We'll watch a good documentary if it catches our eye, deal with the subtitles on Foreign films, have no shame in how much we love blockbusters like Iron Man and Kick-Ass, but won't shy away from any Indie film that piques our interest. Now, I'm not saying we aren't annoying as well (just ask my boyfriend LOL), because of how easily we get frustrated with people who won't just sit back and enjoy the ride. Doesn't hate musicals.

Example:
"What did you think of Shutter Island?"
"It was really good! Kinda weird though, definitely hurt my head a little. Leo was great though, I thought it was cool."

A few sub-category honorable mentions.

The Slasher Fan: Rents horror movies. Nothing else. Specifically, any slasher flick.

The Elitist Horror Fan: The I Wish I Saw it at Cannes version of The Slasher Fan. Supernatural, atmospheric flicks only.

The Elderly Woman: Dear, can you pick me out a good love story, or maybe a nice family show?

The Dog Lover: I know this seems like an unnecessary category, but people go APE SHIT for dog movies, it's insane.

The I Wish I Saw Steven Segal at Cannes: is ALMOST the I'll Try Anything Once, but they won't watch Sci-fi, fantasy, or anything that they decide to deem "stupid". Some of the most frustrating to deal with.

The Peter Pan: This person never really got over Toy Story. But then again, who has? : )

***

Whick one are you?

Me, I'm a mix between the Try Anything Once and The Peter Pan, because I love me some kids movies.

There's a fine, fine line between being timid and being flat-out rude.

One of the biggest peeves I've developed in the last year is rudeness. I don't mean blatant, "I-am-a-huge-loudmouthed-asshole-you-couldn't-ignore-my-idiocy-if-you-tried" rudeness; obviously, that's everyone's peeve. I mean the more subtle, "you-just-said-hi-how-are-you?-but-I'm-going-to-pretend-I-didn't-hear-you" kind. I find that the brash, over-the-top people with no manners can at least provide a certain degree of entertainment value.

The Ignorers, on the other hand, are just plain frustrating.

Now, I am aware that there are shy people in the world. Obviously, I'm not one. That doesn't mean I don't understand it. Yes, social situations can be scary. Yes, eye contact is horrifying (I don't make eye contact with anyone). Small talk is awkward. And of course, people, in general probably get on your nerves. They get on mine, too. But I still talk to them.

I don't do the whole "nice weather we're having" thing. I feel that, at 21, I am too young to fall in to that tired cliche. If I don't have anything interesting to talk about, I just don't talk. I do, however, greet. "Hi, how are you?" and of course, "Have a nice night!" when you're leaving. I'm not expecting you to turn on the charm (that I am forced to in my position as Customer Service Provider). You're not getting paid to fake a smile like I am. However, it is your duty, as a Decent Human Being, to at least acknowledge my existance. I mean, a "Fine, thanks," will more than suffice. Hell, most days, I'm perfectly contented with a nod.

Now, as annoying as those trivialities with greetings are, nothing is worse than waiting on a silent customer. You ask their account number - they slide you the card. You say, "Just the one night?" they stare straight ahead. You say, "Okay, that'll be $X.XX", they hand you the money (never looking at you). "Would you like a bag?" *BLANK STARE*. "Okay... have a nice day...?"

And the VERY WORST, are those you try to engage in conversation. If someone rents a movie I saw that I really, really liked, I always throw in a recommendation. Most people are glad for it. Some aren't. Some blatantly ignore you, when you say, "Oh, *Whatever Movie* 2! I loved it, it wasn't as good as the first one, though." Annnnd nothing. The response is always nothing.

I don't think I'm asking for much; I'm just asking that you get off your high horse and give me the time of day.

The degradtion of my tolerance for mankind is a slow, painful process.

Now, I've had some awful jobs. Movie theatre, Hell-Mart, two call centers and a gas station. In comparison, the video store should be a walk in the park, a pleasant experience, my own little Utopia. For the most part, it is.

For the other part, it sure as hell isn't.

What problems could one possibly run in to at such an easy job?
Well, lots, actually.

All for one reason: people are goddamn morons.

People Are Cheap [I feel this is Volume One of MANY]

Now, I won't get in to specifics, but renting a movie at my store -vs- a corporate chain (like Blockbuster) is RIDICULOUSLY CHEAP AND AFFORDABLE. Our late fees are reasonable. The only things they really add up on are A) New releases that are not yet seven day rentals (so less than a month old) and B) New games (same deal). Older movies, older new releases, old games - dirt cheap.

Scenario: A woman comes in with a game that is 16 days late. It is old. Now, it should be charged a dollar a day, plus tax. It comes up less than that, running her about $14 plus tax.

Keep in mind this game was more than HALF A MONTH LATE.

She ranted for a full 10 minutes on how RIDICULOUS that cost was, for "omGggg an old game!!!11one!!!"

Are you shitting me, lady?
The kicker: She said that we shouldn't have been charging late fees on it ANYWAY, because her son had called and said he lost it.

You do realize you'd be paying $30 to REPLACE the game, right?

On the flipside, we have people who come in, the notorious late people, who will pay 40-60 dollars in lates every time, and don't complain. Thank you, you few & far-between people. If everyone were like you, the world would be a sunnier place. ♥

Scenario 2:
You rent a brand-new movie. For shitsngigglez, let's say The Bounty Hunter.
ME: JUST THE *ONE NIGHT*?
Customer(probably paid zero attention to what I said): Yeah.
ME: Okay, so that one will BE TOMORROW, that's $x.xx, please.
*Customer pays*
ME: So just the one day on that one, due back tomorrow night, ok?

I always slip in the due time AT LEAST 3 times per transaction - because people are RETARDED.

The movie then comes back 3 days late.
That's over $5 in a late fee because it's BRAND NEW.

"BUT THAT'S INSANE AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME WHEN IT WAS DUE!!!"

Seriously? Fuck off.

Incidentally, as a result of this happening so many times recently, I have started putting sticky notes with the due date on every movie I rent out, as well as notes on the accounts that I told them. They can argue alll they want if someone else waited on them, but if it shows up under my name, my ass is covered.