A tribute to the greats: Movies that are SO BAD they're good.

It seems like every movie I have seen in the past month since Christopher Nolan's magnum opus of a film, Inception, has been awful. Actually, to be fair, "awful" isn't the proper moniker; I believe "mediocre" is more fitting.

It doesn't matter if I saw it at the drive-in or rented it; whatever it was, was not good. The problem is, I may have "Post-Inception Syndrome" (which is NOT a real term, obviously something I just decided upon), being that in comparison to the sheer awesome, epic nature of Inception, everything else seems to ooze mediocrity in comparison. I don't know if that's the case, or if these movies are just that forgettable.

As I said, these are not bad movies. Nope. See, bad movies are actually kind of fun. As I've worked in customer service my whole working "career" (if you can call it that), I know that one thing people love to do is complain. Hell, I'm a whiner myself. The good thing about bitching about TV or movies is that no one gets hurt (unless you wrote or directed the damn thing, that is). It's a healthy way to vent. The problem with mediocre movies is that they don't even have the entertainment value that goes along with making fun of the terrible flicks.

I've seen my fair share of bad movies (Open Water being the absolute WORST). I've also seen a myriad of So-Bad-It's-Good types. They are awful, often-times low-budget, usually "horror" movies, and so ridiculously impossible to take seriously that they are 100% fun.

I haven't seen one in ages. So here's a short list of some of the
Best of the Worst:

***
(PS, I've made them clickable so you can check 'em out on IMDb!)

[1] The People Under the Stairs (1991):

I first saw this movie when I was 14. I think my sister (who is 3 years younger and has been watching slasher flicks since she was about 6-years-old) rented it. I had the misfortune of watching it with her... I was TERRIFIED! Upon watching it again at 20, I now find it HYSTERICALLY FUNNY. The whole thing is just plain silly; there are gaping plotholes (are the People Under the Stairs alive or dead? I'd say they're like zombies, but then one dies?).

RUN-ON SENTENCE SUMMARY -Basically there's this little black kid named Foo who needs to rob these people to pay for someone's operation but gets trapped in the house and the people are crazy and called Mommy and Daddy but they're actually brother and sister and they steal children and cut out their eyes or tongues or ears if they see, speak, or hear evil, they can't find the perfect boy-child because of it and they keep them locked up under the stairs in the basement, and they have a daughter named Alice they abuse the shit out of and keep locked up... IT'S RIDICULOUS.

That being said, it's also CLASSIC. You get some hilariously over-the-top performances, a completely unbelievable plot, some good, jumpy scares, and overall, just a really fun, trashy cinematic experience. It's constantly rented out at my store. A cult-classic, for sure. Oh, and it's a Wes Craven (Scream, anyone?) film.


[2] Clash of the Titans (1981)

I spoke of terribly mediocrity before, and the 2010 remake of this movie is the perfect example. After I saw it, I promptly forgot it. This little gem from the early-80s, however is unforgettable, for one reason: It has THE WORST special effects known to mankind. You could argue that they were top-notch for 30 years ago, but in all honesty, that would be a lie. Movies like StarWars proved that special effects were starting to come around, and there's just no excuse for this. Monsters that look like they're claymation, that random glowing god (he's more "flaming" than "glowing", or so it seems... if you know what I mean). Overall, it's impossible to take it seriously, despite the fact it's got some HUGE names (Maggie "Professor McGonagall" Smith! for instance). It's extremely fun. I watched it in Latin class in high school and was fully entertained the whole time, and recently picked it up in the $5 bin at Wal-Mart.

[3] Frogs (1972):

It seems like I'm pulling out one awful/awesome (awsul? awfum?) movie per decade here. Okay, a friend of mine showed me this in high school. She spoke highly of it; once I saw it, I understood. Frogs pretty much defines the so-bad-it's-good genre. Officially categorized as "horror" (subcategorized as a nature horror, where nature or animals turn against humans, e.g. Jaws.. yeah, I spent too much time on Wikipedia the other day), I would consider it more of a comedy. Like Clash of the Titans, the "effects" are laughable; but so is the plot. And the acting. And... everything. Basically, frogs attack. At one point I think they're literally just THROWING frogs at a window. It's an all-out laugh-fest from start to finish, and if you can get your hands on it, you MUST watch it! Oh, and SAM ELLIOT IS IN IT. Yeah, the same Sam Elliot that is now old as hell and whose perfomance's take backseat to his EPIC MUSTACHE nowadays.

[4]Deep Blue Sea(1999):

I know there are people out there who legitmately love this movie and think it is amazing. I actually really, really like it. But not because I think it's good. Unless there's AMAZING acting and a really strong story, I can't stand action movies, as I find them mindless. This definitely has neither the acting nor the story.

RUN-ON SENTENCE SUMMARY - There is this research station that's located primarily underwater and they're studying sharks and like injecting them with shit to try and cure Alzheimer's but all it does is make the sharks super-intelligent and they go crazy and decide to kill everyone in the station and a rag-tag group of people gets picked off one-by-one and the only black guys are the chef and of course he lives and has a parrott and Samuel L Jackson who has the MOST HILARIOUS DEATH SCENE, EVER.

Like the others on this list, it's fun from start-to-finish. Like The People Under the Stairs, it horrified me (and enthralled my sister, who would watch the VHS daily) as a child, and now makes me laugh SO HARD. The scene where Sam Jackson bites it is hilarious both in execution and CGI-effects... it was 1999, there is NO WAY the effects should've been as bad as they were. Overall, good fun!

[5]Good Burger(1997):

I have a small problem with Good Burger: I am not entirely sure if it's actually bad or if I think it's amazing. I watch it at LEAST once a month (I'm not kidding), and I find it just as funny now as I did as an 8-year-old kid watching it when it first came out. I'm not sure if it's a So-Bad-It's-Good sorta deal, or just plain-old nostalgia. There are a ton of terrible, terrible comedies from my childhood that I treasure like this, and I can't be certain if they're actually bad, or just mediocre movies I love simply because they bring me back. Like Spice World. Oh well.

***

As with my other lists, consider this volume 1. These are my absolute necessities for bad-movie viewing that'll make you laugh, or maybe just cringe. What are you favorite heinous but hilarious movies>

You're not fooling anyone: People who won't rent porn but may as well be.

This is not a rant. This is one of my favorite observations I have made in the last year as a video stork clerk (clerkette? is there a gender-specific way to say that, or is it neutral? Is it sexist to ask if there's a difference? I really don't know what's "P.C." these days).

Now, my store is the only one on my island that rents ADULT MATERIAL. Yeah, we call it ADULT, ADULT product, etc. What that means, boys and girls, is PORN. There are stores that SELL such "materials" around here, but if you just want it for two days, my store is the only place to get it. And it's popular. And it's renters are exactly what you think: middle-aged and old men.

I'm not saying this is the only demographic of people who watch porn; far from it. The difference is, all the younger men (and women) know about this li'l thing called the internet, where you can find such films a) for free and b) without anyone knowing. Once the older generations die off and the younger, more tech-savvy remain, porn rentals (and really all rentals, video stores are on their deathbed) will die off as well.

But until then, we prosper.

I do not judge people who watch or rent porn. Not in the least. However, I do judge the people who won't man up and rent porn, and instead think they're tricking us by renting movies such as:

• Showgirls


• Bliss (it's a TV series that's essentially softcore)


• In the Cut


• The Dreamers


• Hotel Erotica


• Wild Things


• Any filthy, low-budget sex comedy that is about 95% sex and 2% comedy (and 3% terrible "acting")


• and Any Movie Famous For A Sex Scene (or Several), e.g. Basic Instinct.

Now, your little ruse may work on some people, but I know movies. They are my love, my passion, and I have researched every genre and sub-genre ruthlessly, and I know an erotic thriller when I see one. I've seen many of these movies myself; the difference is, I rent them along with other movies. Or, I admit that I'm in the mood for something trashy and fun. I do not rent them in replacement of porn.

Listen, fellas, I don't know who you're trying to kid. I know what you're doing when you're watching these suedo-skin flicks (ew, try not to picture it *gag*). You think there's something wrong, or sad, or embarrassing by renting actual adult films? There isn't. I'm not judging you. However, the only reason I even felt compelled to write this was because of one encounter I had recently.

Me: And there's one late here, for $1.
Dude: No problem, which movie.
Me: The Boys and Girls Guide to Getting Down (a/k/a a "drama" that's full of sex, but doesn't have a misleading title, and actually sounds like a porn).
Dude: WHAT!? I would never rent one of those movies! I don't watch pornography!!
Me: No, it's a drama.
Dude: Oh, okay.
Me: So Showgirls and Bliss will be due back next week...

To sum it all up, get over yourself, you're no better than the people who watch ACTUAL adult movies, and you're not fooling anyone.

List time: The 3 Types of Movie-Watchers

I'll be the first to admit that at one point in my life, I was an elitist bitch. Considering how young I am, this meant I was one stuck-up, pretentious little high schooler. Indie movies, Oscar winners, music that didn't get radio airplay, TV shows that faded in to obscurity - that was me (I was going to say - rejecting sports and sporting events, but that's just because I'm fat, not because I was a snob). Now that I've grown up and gotten the hell over myself (anyone else getting a chill thinking about hipsters?), I can't flipping stand people like that.

When I was even younger, I was one of the mindless masses that wouldn't watch anything that didn't have a) ridiculous amounts of explosions, or b) sex and fart jokes. These are the action/comedy people who wouldn't broaden their horizons if their lives depended on it. They are the opposite end of the spectrum from the Elitists, and they are just as annoying.

Having been both of these people and now sitting at a happy medium, I have strong views on all categories of the movie-watching public. So, without further ado, my First List.

The 3 Main Types of the Movie-Watching Public

The I Wish I Saw it at Cannes

Loves Foreign films. Loves Indie films. Loves The Godfather (but hates how "mainstream" it is). Loves to use the word "film" instead of "movie". Won't admit to how awesome Fight Club is because of its over-exposed cult status. Will not watch comedies, action movies, Sci-fi or any rom-coms. Hates musicals. Won't watch fantasy movies because, "I don't watch stupid movies/things that aren't real." Their opinion is always more important than yours, and is ALWAYS right. Of course they haven't seen The Hangover; it's funny and mass-produced!

Example:
"What did you think of Shutter Island?"
"Although it was more mainstream than I usually enjoy, all of Scorses' subtleties and nuances as well as the atmospheric tension he created were well-done and DiCaprio;s vulnerability on-screen was excellently executed..." etc.

The Steven Segal

I've coined the name for this type of person after one of the most prolific action movie stars. I've never seen a Steven Segal movie, and for all I know, they could be amazing. But let's just assume for a moment they're all fairly similar. Well, even though they've seen it all before DOZENS of times, The Steven Segal is still excited every time a new formula-action flick or teen sex comedy is released. Thrillers, dramas, fantasy movies - all of them are just not worth watching in the eye of the Steven Segal. Hates musicals. Also huge fans of non-creative horror movies (Alternate name: The Freddy Krueger).

Example:
"What did you think of Shutter Island?"
"It was weird and it didn't make any sense and that guy from The Departed and Titanic was in it, but it still wasn't any good, I wouldn't recommend it, it was too confusing and nothing cool happened."

The I'll Try Anything Once

I've morphed in to this hybrid over the past couple of years. The name says it all; we can appreciate a good comedy, see the entertainment value in a bad comedy, see the "fun" in action and horror movies, see all the cinematic value in the "classics" and the award-winners. We'll watch a good documentary if it catches our eye, deal with the subtitles on Foreign films, have no shame in how much we love blockbusters like Iron Man and Kick-Ass, but won't shy away from any Indie film that piques our interest. Now, I'm not saying we aren't annoying as well (just ask my boyfriend LOL), because of how easily we get frustrated with people who won't just sit back and enjoy the ride. Doesn't hate musicals.

Example:
"What did you think of Shutter Island?"
"It was really good! Kinda weird though, definitely hurt my head a little. Leo was great though, I thought it was cool."

A few sub-category honorable mentions.

The Slasher Fan: Rents horror movies. Nothing else. Specifically, any slasher flick.

The Elitist Horror Fan: The I Wish I Saw it at Cannes version of The Slasher Fan. Supernatural, atmospheric flicks only.

The Elderly Woman: Dear, can you pick me out a good love story, or maybe a nice family show?

The Dog Lover: I know this seems like an unnecessary category, but people go APE SHIT for dog movies, it's insane.

The I Wish I Saw Steven Segal at Cannes: is ALMOST the I'll Try Anything Once, but they won't watch Sci-fi, fantasy, or anything that they decide to deem "stupid". Some of the most frustrating to deal with.

The Peter Pan: This person never really got over Toy Story. But then again, who has? : )

***

Whick one are you?

Me, I'm a mix between the Try Anything Once and The Peter Pan, because I love me some kids movies.