Screw resolutions, how about some rules for 2011?

I seriously suck at making New Year resolutions, for a number of reasons. The first being that I suck so, so much as sticking to anything, the second being that - I really don't see the point. It's only a new year because the calendar says so. It really depends on where you start counting from; my birthday was last week, I could count from there. What's happening right now may officially be "2011", but it's also "the year I was 22". The last day of 2010 was also "the year I was 22". Y'know what I mean? My point is, it's not like anything changes just because the days rolled over. I woke up and went to work Saturday morning, on New Year's Day, and it was just the same as Wednesday when I went to work in the morning.

And I went on a tangent. BACK ON TOPIC.


NYE and the days preceding and following it, #RulesFor2011 was trending on Twitter. I like that idea! So in that vein, instead of resolutions, here's some "Rules" for this New Year.

By rules, I pretty much mean wishes.

Rules to Follow in 2011

(or, Brittani's Wish-List )
Volume 1 of...? I don't know yet.

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Holiday Shopping: A Nightmare Bathed in Ribbon and Tinsel

Christmas is fast approaching, and with the eggnog and carols and lights and cabbage rolls(all things magical and wonderful!) comes something far less pleasant - rampant consumerism. It's the one time of year that even those of us who aren't defined the by the brands our clothes are (or aren't, in most cases), who don't live to shop, or find need to waste their hard-earned cash on over-priced items to lull them in to a false sense of ... who knows, find themselves dropping too much money on stuff for friends and family... stuff these loved ones probably won't even enjoy.

I am guilty of this, too. I end up spending on gifts about 75% of what I make in a month, but I also have to  pay rent, power, heating, and phone bills, plus buy cat food and groceries... so you do the terrifying math. This year, the government decided to re-evaluate my taxes at the end of November (thanks, you heartless bastards!) and slap me with two weeks to pay them what equates to a small fortune to me, so I may NOT be shopping, as keeping a roof over my head has taken priority. I support myself, thankyouverymuch, and will need every penny. Don't get me wrong; giving is fantastic and leaves you feeling happy, and everyone will be getting gifts from Santa Brittani (Brittani Claus?) despite my financial woes, they're just likely to be handmade (and delicious!).

This has actually come as a HUGE RELIEF, as shopping makes me want to punch kittens. I like kittens more than I like people, so this is a very serious statement, obvs. I grocery shop as infrequently as possible. Crowds make me really, really nervous. People who walk slowly bring me close to violence, as walking is my main form of transportation, and therefore I am very used to walking, and do so constantly as if I am on a mission. Combine too many people with the speed of a Sunday driver (and I've mentioned most of this before, I know, but deal with it), and you get a day-to-day nightmare at the stores.

Factor in Christmas... and I'm ready to hibernate til January... but then I'd miss my birthday right after Christmas, and I use my birthday money to pay bills, so I have to suck it up and face the season.

Even if I end up making and baking the gifts for those on my list this year, I'm still going to have to venture out and pick up supplies to aid me on my Crafting Odyssey. Not this week, but maybe the next, I'll head to the stores, hold my breath, and hope I don't flip out and hit someone in the fucking face. This time would be easier if people would just

• get in and get the fuck out. I realize that you want to carefully choose your purchases, but in all honesty, if you don't have a list of what you need and are just there to browse, can you at least do it really early in the morning, or after midnight (24-hour WalMart will be starting soon!), when there are fewer people around? And if you aren't 100% sure what you've gone to the store for, I'm fairly confident that you don't, in fact, need a cart. When you stop to stare at whatever ridiculous trinket has caught your eye, and you pick it up to delicately examine it, slowly taking in each cheap, tacky detail - you are blocking the aisle. Like, really badly blocking the aisle. Sometimes, these people aren't even just taking up half of the aisle by standing there with their cart politely tucked in vertically - but with the damn thing across the aisle. Lady, I literally couldn't get by if my life depended on it, what the tits is wrong with you?
• dig their money/debit/credit card/gift card/coupons/whatever out of their wallets or purses BEFORE the cashier has rung everything through and given your total. We've been in line for, oh, about 30 minutes, according to the last time I checked my watch. And now you're taking your good ol' time searching for your cash, and don't you dare start counting out your pennies!!! Everyone behind you hates you. And it ain't right to be hating at Christmas, stop ruining our "spirit", asshole.
• STOP bringing small children... okay, I used to really, really love kids. And I still love babies, I really do. But in the last year, I've noticed that children get to a certain age where a) they know right from wrong and b) know how to behave. There are some beautifully polite, well-behaved preschool-aged kids, and some even younger. I know a 3-year-old who comes in to my store and is quiet, and doesn't run around, and is just awesome. Unfortunately, this reflects about 10% of the kid-population, and the other 90% are being dragged to stores with their parents, only to run around, get lost in the crowds, get under your feet, cry when you almost run them over with a cart (that they ran in front of, out of nowhere), and scream, scream, scream, scream. Please, get a babysitter. If you can't... just fucking wait til they're asleep and strap them in the cart.
• NOT have a reunion with a long-lost friend in the middle of the grocery store or Wal-Mart. Oh dear, sweet, tiny Jesus (HBD, buddy), why are you doing this? I get that you haven't seen so-and-so in five years, and you want to know how Whatshisname's wife is doing, and oh goodness? You spawned! Is that what this joyous ball of screaming adrenaline demanding "CANDY!!!" is?  ... I may understand, but I also DON'T CARE. Christmas is the absolute worst time for these kinds of meetings, and people don't seem to care that they're blocking the aisles, or the wrapping paper, or the milk, or the ammunition counter... though maybe that one is for the better...
• realize that while I am all for efficiency and am one of the fastest-moving people you're apt to find in any store, THERE IS NO NEED TO RUN ME OVER (or anyone else, for that matter). Some people literally just push and shove you out of the way, or ram into your cart with their own... intentionally! Now, I may be as misanthropic as they come, but I would never in a million years intentionally maim someone who's done nothing wrong. But holiday shoppers are their own special, horrifying breed.
• also realize that I'm really, truly, terribly sorry, but I would not like to donate a dollar to this or buy a sticker for that or support cause #35346346567. I AM NOT A BAD PERSON BECAUSE OF THIS! Get back to me in January, when I'm not scraping every penny I have together so my family won't think I'm a cheapskate, and I will help your cause. Yes, this is the season for giving, but I just can't afford to. Stop looking at me like that!
• if stores would stop playing the worst Christmas music known to mankind. I don't know what it is; oldschool Christmas tunes are awesome (think Holly Jolly Christmas) and there's some newer stuff I love, and some songs from movie soundtracks... it's really, really difficult to go wrong with holiday music, yet every store seems to be piping the musical equivalent of what happens when you ingest the poisonous poinsettia plant through their speakers. It's enough to drive you to drink.

I'm sure there are some things I missed, but overall, I think that's a pretty comprehensive overview of why shopping is a bigger nightmare than usual this time of year. Writing it has filled me with dread, and were it not for shipping constraints - you can bet your ass I'd be doing every last bit of my shopping online!

I realize the last thing this post was full of is holiday cheer, but I promise a happy, upbeat Christmassy post next week, with the list of my top Christmas movies, tv specials, and tunes!

You're all great.

Quickies (not the fun kind) VOL 1: Some of my "favorite" customer encounters, in brief.

I think it makes me look like a real estate agent.  Or an insurance broker.

Every now and then*, I have a simply delightful encounter with an esteemed patron that I will never forget, that will stick with me forever, to be told to my hypothetical children and even more unlikely grandchildren. The encounter could've been an action, a word, or a full-on exchange of thoughts and ideals that when recalled, just plain tickles me.

Incidently - I fucking hate being tickled. Ask the boyfriend; let's just say he's lucky he doesn't bruise.

Every single job I've had (and I've had six in the last 4 and a half years) has come with a wonderful story or two to share with you, my dear friends. Some are just plain classic; some make me laugh now, looking back - and others still make me very, very happy I am not one for violence. The Worst of the Worst were definitely those I encountered at Wal-Mart and Empire Theatres. The ones I encounter currently, at the video store, are far more benign. But every one of these impossibly rude, ignorant, and just plain mean mother effers deserve their place in this blog.

Consider this a companion to my earlier Open Letter to Every Annoying Customer I've Ever Had (definitely worth a read if you haven't already!).

Some of these stories you may have heard before, as I am fond of recounting them when I'm feeling particularly steamed. Others have been chronicled in my short-lived Livejournal blog, Box Office Blues.

Without further adieu or prolonged explanation (beyond that which I've written to this point - I'm sorry, I don't know how to keep things short and sweet), here are the Classics, categorized by job. This is the first collection, soon to be followed by another.

*I get a little bit terrifiiiiiiied but then I see the look in your eyesssssssss... Both myself and my other half are completely unable to speak a line from a song in normal conversation without then immediately singing whatever song it's from. I swear, it's a syndrome.

Short and not-so-sweet, Vol. 1:

• Some things are universal to any job. Let's say it's Rememberance Day (Veteran's Day, for my American homies). Many things are closed, except the movie theatre, and restaurants, and the video store. As I worked two Rememberance Days at the theatre and 2 at the video store (yesterday included), I can tell you that this played out about 325987346975694 times -

*phone rings*

Me: Hi, *whichever establishment I'm working at*

Caller: Are you open today?

*what I want to say*

Nope, I'm just paid to answer the phone and tell you we're not!

*what I end up saying*

Yep!

Now, one can argue that once you call and someone's answered, what are you supposed to say? That's easy, "Oh, great! You guys are open, that's all I wanted to know." I've had that response a dozen times and there's nothing wrong with it. I encourage it. It saves a shred of your image you're trying to cultivate in which you aren't an idiot.

• WalMart: When will this be going on sale?   I'm not 100% sure when that $15 item that certainly retails for a good 10 to 20 dollars more at any other establishment will be further marked down. This may come as a surprise to you, but this young girl working in Sporting Goods isn't exactly in cahoots with head office, or whoever the hell decides when sales - excuse me "Rollbacks" -will be taking place. Seeing as we just got it in a few days ago, you might be waiting a while. And if you aren't willing to just buy the damn thing - AT WAL-MART, FOR FUCK'S SAKE, then how badly do you really want it? Yeah, that's what I thought.
• The busiest gas station in town: Can you turn on the air pump?   Okay, you obviously saw the sign that said, "50 cents". Do I think someone should have to pay for air? Not necessarily, but I also don't have a car, a bike, or anything else that would need such a service, and since society treats me like dirt, I think I'm entitled to be a little selfish and not give a rat's ass, don't you? Anyway, I don't care that you think it's "outrageous" and that you're "going somewhere else!" Do you know how much money this station makes? And stop calling me a liar; I promise - if I did have this magical button you speak of that could turn on the air pump and save you a couple of quarters (is that a new SUV you're driving? I'm sorry you're so hard up for cash!), I would gladly press it - TO GET YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.
• The video store: It couldn't have been late, my son/daughter/husband/whoever took it back *due date*. I get this every day, and it used to be confined to sketchy deadbeat customers, but lately it's been a constant string of "good" customers, and it is driving me to drink. Listen, the computer's don't lie. You say your kid took it back on Sunday and it's showing returned on Monday (this time it happened to be Thanksgiving, so... your kid was not in school, maybe they kept it another night to watch?), then guess what - IT WAS RETURNED ON MONDAY. I don't care how much your son/daughter/husband/wife/sister WHOEVER insisted they brought it back - do you ever stop to think, just for ONE SECOND, that they might be lying to you because they don't want to get blamed for the late fee? So instead of owning up to the fact they didn't bring it back in time, they blame us? Of course not, because your pwecious family would never do that.
• Again with the everywhere: But I was here last week and... Although I, personally, was most definitely here last week, and I have no proof that you were, and you could very well be lying, I will still give you the benefit of the doubt. You easily could be telling the truth. But ONLY on that part of your statement. Whenever someone starts a tirade with this, it will immediately be followed by a lie. "But last week someone told me these were going to be one sale." No, they didn't. "But last week it was only $5.00 to see a movie!" No, it wasn't. "But I was here last week and they let me take my 7-year-old to see the Texas Chainsaw Massacre!" No, they didn't.  "But last week someone told me you could rent two movies and get one free!" Okay, which one of the four people, total, who work here, none of whom are new or stupid, told you that? Oh, wait - no, they didn't. "But I rented a movie here last week!" Your account has been inactive for six months because you stole $100 worth of video games, would you like to see your transaction history? Better yet, would you like to pay for the games you stole, or should I call the police?
• The movie theatre: No, the rating is based on parental discretion...  This is what we call "the perfect way to make yourself sound like you have the mental capacity of a retarded goldfish". Now, when it comes to what your children watch on TV, the video games they play, and the music they listen to - at HOME, mind you - it is up to you. You give the permission, and they can do it. Now, when you go to the movie theatre, there's a set of "ratings" in place. Obviously, little Jimmy or Susie can see any movie rated G or PG. If it's rated 14A, you can bring them along and watch it with them. But when it gets up to 18A - Canadian law states that they must be 18-years-old or older, OR be at least 14-years-old AND accompanied by an adult. That is what it means. It does NOT mean your 11-year-old daughter can go with you to Good Luck Chuck (and that movie is so filled with sex, I can't believe any parent would try to take their kid, but I digress). You can argue til you're blue in the face (and the woman who has this story seared in my memory certainly did) that "IT'S PARENTAL DISCRETION! THIS IS MY DAUGHTER! I DECIDE WHAT SHE SEES!" But I'm just going to continue to repeat, "As you can see on that awfully official-looking sign that was sent to us by the MPAA, it states explicitly that it is Canadian law. Are you above the law, ma'am?"
• The first call center I worked at: Dear, your accent is so strong I can't understand you.  Today, kids, we learn the definition of irony - this call will always stick with me, because the caller? WAS FROM NEWFOUNDLAND. AND COULDN'T UNDERSTAND MY ACCENT. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? For funsies (and my foreigners): Now, this was a commercial but it is EXTREMELY ACCURATE. Seriously. A guy that works with the boyfriend is a Newfie and this is exactly how he speaks.

I saved some of my lengthier and more rage-worthy stories for volume 2, stay tuned, friends.

The General Public is equal parts annoying, boring, disruptive, and horrifying.

Cute li'l evil dog from ICanHasCheezburger.

Although I've seen it performed before, the boyfriend would probably like me to credit him for the fact he always brings this up - As the late, great George Carlin has said, "Believe it or not - I like people." Yes, hard to believe, but I actually don't hate everyone. There are some people that are downright pleasant. By "some", I mean "few", and by "few" I mean "I encounter a person I enjoy about once a week out of roughly 600 encounters of the social kind", but let's not split hairs.

I realize everything in this blog would indicate otherwise. Yeah, I've got a helluva lot of frustrations. And yeah, people, in general, do tend to rub me the wrong way.  But it's just customers and melodramatic Facebitch whores, right? Right? ...maybe?


Sadly, not really. So, in the hopes, once again, of being brief and not making you scream, "TL;DR!", I bring you another list -

Social Interaction With Strangers: Why it's a good thing I'm passive-aggressive and not a serial killer.

***

An open letter to every annoying customer I've ever had. No love, Brittani.

The first thing I do when a) I get a coupon or, b) hear of a seriously epic-sounding offer that could be too good to be true is:

Read the f'king fine print.

Irksome, pesky things: "JB ", on-and-off more than Heidi and Spencer, etc.

My grandfather is fond of saying his name and adding a ridiculous list of middle names, so it sounds complicated when he rhymes it off. Some of these names are "John Augustus McGillicudy". There are at least 2 more. I think his actual middle name is simply "John". Whenever he does this, my Nana always says, "You forgot 'Irksome Pesky'." Because Nana's funny like that. I love the term, personally. Which is why I can apply it to the things in this list,


Thing That Drive Me Completely Insane, Vol. 2- the "Irksome, Pesky" edition.

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Completely random & unimportant things that irk me, VOL. 1.

I guess this would be considered my Second List, after my 3 Types of Movie Watchers (ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-checkitout).

Now, I know that everyone has BIG issues, like say... racism, or war, or religion, or abortion laws, or anything else that's a legit issue and controversial. For the sake of not needing to defend myself or argue with anyone, I'm not discussing that crap here. I'm focusing, right now, on the mundane things; the little annoyances that get under your skin, for no particular reason.

I could easily list off HUNDREDS of these trivialities. For everyone's sake - I won't : ). But to alleviate some of the pressure on my poor brain that these pesky, irsksome peeves causes me, I'll share a few.

In volumes, apparently... but just a short list for now, promise!

So, without further adieu, My Second List,

A Condensed Version of Things That Drive Me Bonkers, Vol. 1

[1] The Twilight Series

In theory, I have no real issue with this series***. Yes, its Twi-tards are RIDICULOUS, but so are many other cult-like fanbases (I'm still waiting for that Hogwarts letter, so I really can't judge). Vampires are cool. So are werewolves, I guess. However - Bella Swan, not so much. Now, I'm not nuts, so I'm not all, "OMGGGggGgg WUT A BITCH SHE DUZNT DESERVE EDwAArDdDD Or JAcOB!!! i haTE HER!!!" (yes, there are some people that hate the character based on the fact that two FICTIONAL (and teenaged) characters are after her, what has the world come to?). My problem is that, well, she is pathetic. Sure, a lot of girls are. I am, a lot of the time. But like... no 18-year-old girl is mature enough to decide that her whole life depends on one sparkly, blood-sucking moron. Basically everything she says and does makes me want to punch her in the face. She thinks she's too young to get married, but she's not too young to make a life-altering (and suspending, I guess, since the whole immortal thing) decision to become a vampire. Because duh, she's known this guy for like 2 years, so obviously she wants to spend eternity with him.

Are you kidding me?

It just drives me nuts that people EAT THIS SHIT UP. They fucking LOVE IT. The only book I read in the series was the first one, and the writing was piss-poor, soap-opera caliber garbage. I've read plenty of bad books; what bothers me about these is that people defend Stephanie Meyer, citing, "It was her first novel! She's a first-time writer!" I've had like, middle-aged women attempt to use this argument against me.

Well, I have a name for you: JK Rowling.
And therefore, a book: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.

First-time writer. First-time novel.
Not even remotely sucky.*

*Note: You can say all you want about the Harry Potter series itself, but content aside, the actual writing is what I'm using as an example; it is far, far superior to that of the Twilight series, and unless you've read books of both, you can't argue that. Thanks.

***I have so much to say because I have seen all the movies. The boyfriend and I find them entertaining, mainly in a so-bad-it's-good-way. I'm not a closet Twlight fan.

I shall rest on this one now, I get angry just typing about it!

The rest will be FAR briefer!



[2] Hey, do you guys have...?

This question is ALWAYS completed with the title of a movie that has JUST been released in theatres. "No, it was released IN THEATRES LAST FRIDAY." "Oh, but I saw a commercial for it on TV." "Yes, but that's because it's new. TO THEATRES." "Don't you guys get all the same movies?" "YES, when they're RELEASED ON DVD AND BLU-RAY SEVERAL MONTHS LATER." You have absolutely no idea how often this exchange takes place. It makes me want to bang my head off the counter.




[3] I "seen" that last week!

No. Noooo. NononononNONONONONONONONONO!!!! You SAW. SAW!!! You saw the movie. "I saw that before." Or, if you absolutely MUST use the word "seen". "I HAVE SEEN that movie before." *deepbreath* Where I live, damn near everyone says it. There is nothing that makes anyone sound any more uneducated and redneck than this phrase. It sends shivers up my spine.

On a similar note, there's the whole your =/= you are issue, however this is restricted to the written word, be it on Facebook, on paper, wherever. Yes, grammar (particularly in its written form) can be a gigantic pain in the ass. I can forgive the occasional written (or typed) slip. BUT YOU ARE SPEAKING. To quote Samuel L. Jackson in 1994's Pulp Fiction, "ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?" *headdesk*


***

I'm actually going to conclude volume one now, as I rambled far too long about Twilight (did I mention that neither of the lead men are good people (wolves, vampires, whatever the hell they are? I could go on...). So that's it, for now... what bugs you? (Please don't say terrorism. Keep it light, homies).